Brain Dump : A Conversation of One

There are days when doubt and fear swirl in my mind like a low-lying fog, snaking its way through every thought, feeling, idea and memory, blanketing everything.

I have been having a lot of those days lately.

Realistically I have an idea that I can thank my old pal PMS for much of it; that bitch knows how to ruin a party, that’s for sure.  But it’s not always easy to remember when the pesky twins, fear and doubt are infiltrating some of my best positivity efforts.

Fear and doubt tell me –

…I’m too screwed up to have a healthy relationship.

…CBG is losing faith in us; he’s just not ready to admit it.

….I’m just not good at relationships.

…I’m overweight and unattractive.

…I’m too flawed and broken to be loved.

…I’m selfish and ultimately unlovable.

…Relationships are too hard…that they’re not worth the work and the heartache.

…I’m too tired to keep going.

…I’m falling short as a mom.

…I’m disappointing my girls.

Happiness will always escape my grasp sooner or later.

I recognize the irrationality of many of these thoughts…and still I indulge them. It’s a like a one-woman game of chicken…how long can I indulge and cultivate these thoughts before I finally either crack and totally succumb to them, or sweep them away again for a while.

For now I am doing my best to simply sit with them – neither cultivate nor sweep away. I am simply trying to let them be and hope for the best.

The stuff with CBG is particularly tough lately. We’ve had a tough couple of months; not relationship-wise, just personally. It’s understandable that he’s going to be struggling, given everything going on with him. For a while I was feeling strong and capable and able to help him through whatever life threw at him. But lately those feelings have diminished as I feel the weight of my own stuff. Holding myself up is a chore in and of itself, let alone holding up someone else as well.

I need to find that strength again.

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