Pulling Myself Up By My Bootstraps

I’ve been struggling a bit lately. Nothing major…I’ve just noticed little things. Some things are more of an effort than they should be. My self-esteem has taken a bit of a beating. I’ve snuggled down into a very comfortable rut in my life. I avoid too much effort.  Somewhere along the way I’ve stopped challenging myself as much as I should be challenged. I’ve grown used to plodding along, only doing what’s necessary. Somewhere I’ve crossed that line between living and existing. Not that I’ve fallen into this deep, dark hole or anything – just that I’m not living up to my full potential. There hasn’t been as  much joy as I’d like there to be.

This morning as I struggled to make it out for an early run I got thinking back to my marriage. I thought about how when I was with my ex and I reached this point of complacency and comfort, I always looked to him to motivate me to get going again. I turned to him like a child turns to their parent for guidance – What do I do now?? Because I could never seem to do it myself. I felt that I needed him to keep me on the right track in life. I got out there and did so many things not on my own motivation, but because I felt like I would be disappointing my ex if I didn’t. So many things that I did, I did for him.

Unhealthy? You bet your ass it was. Just one of the many items on a long list of problems with our relationship.

On the other hand, CBG and I simply don’t have that kind of dynamic between us. Sure, we might try to help and inspire the other person – but the actual doing what needs to get done part we leave completely up to the other person.  He has encouraged and allowed my independence. No matter if I succeed or fail at anything, I never feel like I’m disappointing him. One of the things I love about CBG that I’ve said before is that he gives me the space to figure out and do things on my own.

But with that space comes responsibility. It means that I have no one to get me up and moving but me. It also means that I have no one else to blame for those days that are less than stellar. And you know what? For the most part, I do it. In the last two and a half years I have discovered that I am so much stronger than I ever thought. And so it’s time to get moving again. I’m not that person anymore who needs someone else  to get me doing what I need to do. This is all on me. This comfortable rut needs to be broken out of. Life was not meant to simply be tolerated…it was meant to be lived.

And living is exactly what I need to get back to doing.

3 Responses

  1. Nice. Good read.. good writing.. glad to hear you’re on the upside again..

  2. E-xactly. Get back to you and living and learning. You are doing great. I have faith in you!

  3. It’s a big deal to be responsible for your own happiness. But the rewards are much greater. You can do it!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: