Shaken

I’m not exactly feeling myself today, and haven’t been really, all weekend long. I can pinpoint this feeling back to what happened on Thursday, and that horrible argument that CBG and I had.  The best word I can come up with to describe this feeling is “shaken”. I am feeling this way particularly after CBG’s blog post where he admits that our misunderstanding pushed him to the point where he almost ended our relationship. Wow. While I appreciate his total honesty, and hope that he will always be honest with me, it’s more than a little unnerving to hear the man you love, the man who has told you, repeatedly, that he’s in it for the long haul, tell you that one email argument almost drove him to the brink of ending our entire relationship. Really? Isn’t what we have stronger than that?

Of course we’ve talked about it, and yes he’s apologized – more than once – but still those words continue to bounce around in my head. I find myself questioning everything now. I’ll be completely honest – the security I once felt in our relationship has been shaken. So many times over the weekend with our kids, I felt myself feeling frustrated and defensive over small things, insignificant things that should have simply rolled off my back. I’ve found myself feeling misunderstood on more than one occasion when I found myself unable to accurately express myself. I have found myself searching his eyes for something that would tell me that he’s still having those doubts deep down, even though he tells me that he’s not. Tears have welled up more than once when I felt like CBG and I were on completely different pages.

My Inner Critic has taken what happened last week and is running wild with it. I feel insecure, uncertain, and unworthy. I am oversensitive and raw. Hell, I already struggle with trust issues, even with CBG, even after two and a half years. So to have the faith and trust I do have in him, in us, shaken like it has been is a big deal. I feel somehow ‘less than’. And not just in my relationship. I feel like a crappy girlfriend, a crappy friend, a crappy mother. A big fat failure all around.

For the first time since my marriage I feel like I am less than the person I’m with. I felt that every day with my exhusband. The fact that I didn’t feel that way was one of the things I loved about my relationship with CBG. I’ve always felt like he and I were truly equals. And now that feeling is being shaken and twisted by doubt. And yes, I’m familiar with the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I don’t blame CBG or anyone else for the way I’m feeling.

It’s clearly all me.

And yet, I am at a loss as to how to deal with this feeling. My Inner Critic tells me that it’s time to cash it all in….that CBG is full of secret doubts and that it’s only a matter of time before he figures out that I really *am* a shitty girlfriend, who failed him when he needed me the most, after all.  The urge to hide is strong, even though logically I know it wouldn’t do this situation one bit of good.

The question I have now is, how do I rebuild my faith in myself and my relationship after it’s been shaken in this way?

23 Responses

  1. Wow. That is a toughie. Because I know exactly what this feels like.

    The only thing I can gently remind you of is that CBG wasn’t himself AT ALL on that day. And you said it yourself, he hasn’t been himself lately either. (https://mommasunshine.wordpress.com/2011/05/16/monday-morning-blues/)

    Clearly, if he’d have ended the relationship that day, he would have DEEPLY regretted a decision made out of exhausted sadness and would have come calling again shortly after. I think he simply felt unsupported and unheard that day… something you both love and appreciate about your relationship.

    And you were already bound up in fear yourself during the week… and as we’re wont to do with that, projected much of your fear. It was a unique situation that you were both in. A situation you both bounced from.

    This is another of those stumbling blocks and obstacles. Climb that wall, crawl under that barbed wire, run through those tires… make it through the obstacle course! What lies beyond it is beautiful and you both know that.

    It’s up to each of you to remove your own obstacles.

    Love to both of you.

    • Thanks for your support, T. I understand completely that he was going through a whole lot of emotions that day and really, at the heart of it, can’t be held responsible for anything he may have been thinking in the heat of the moment.

      Being in a relationship means that there will always be stumbling blocks that come up, I know. And I really feel that’s what this is – just another one of those stumbling blocks.

  2. I agree with T…it is a toughie but you both have obstacles you need to work on separately of each other and separately of your relationship together. I am sorry you are feeling so shaky all around on things but I also believe that your comment on running wild with what happened last Thursday has something to do with it, rather than you really being shitty all around (because trust me, you are not shitty at all!! You have one of the biggest hearts I know). Hang in there and email me anytime if you need to vent. You know where to find me 🙂

    • Thanks, girl. 🙂

      I’ve been realizing more and more that the simple fact of the matter is that I have a lot of things, my own things, that I have to work through. What is happening right now has just shown that to me…

  3. Wow…I’m so sorry to hear this. I get it, though, I really do. That need to be heard, to be understood, is really strong. And if he hasn’t been himself lately maybe he’s feeling that need, too.

    He didn’t end it. That’s probably the most important thing. Even if he felt it he didn’t. You didn’t. No one did. It’s not over. Time to rebuild, reconnect and get over this hump. You can. You will.

    Hugs!!!

    • It is sad to look back and see that it was a breakdown in communication that led to this, particularly since CBG and I are generally pretty good communicators. I guess it’s bound to happen to any couple now and again.

  4. When I first read this what I heard from you was that the way you feel is completely out of character for you. So what I would suggest is just allow yourself to feel however you need to feel…but don’t act on it right now. Just wait and work through these feelings. And you are not a failure.

    • The thing that bothers me is that this reaction is competely in line with the person that I used to be. The fact that I can revert back to that so easily is a little bit scary to me.

      • It’s a learning process. You can unlearn past behavior but it might take as long to unlearn it as it did to learn it. You are a work in progress–as are we all.

  5. I empathize deeply with this post…as it’s something I’ve not only felt…but been accused of within the course of my marriage (not coming through when needed most).

    It’s something I struggle with all the time….the concept of whether it’s a natural learning curve for couple of learn how to forgive these failures in and amongst themselves…or whether it’s a sign of long term incompatibility…or (even worse) whether its a sign of personal failure.

    And I’ve thought about it alot….more than I should admit to….

    And I’ve come to the conclusion (at least today) that I think it IS a natural learning curve…in most situations. The fact is that two people WILL let one another down…and learning how to process, forgive and move on is what is most important. Not placing blame…or taking blame onto one’s shoulders prematurely.

    I do empathize tho Sunshine….and I hope that you can shake yourself out of these feelings soon. I can’t imagine you and CBG NOT being very right for one another…even if you are never going to be perfect all the time.

    • We’re all imperfect. And sometimes those imperfections end up hurting the one that we love the most. What happened on Thursday was much more a problem of miscommunication than anything, and I am firmly convinced that if we’d been in the same room together, it never would have happened. Email really isn’t the greatest method of communication.

  6. I think that it’s about giving yourself permission to go through all these emotions, and talk about them with someone you trust. Then it’s about recognizing them for what they are-which you are doing, and giving the two of you time to work thru it. Rash decisions are never a good idea. Time heals all wounds they say.

  7. Some awesome comments here. You’ve got a lot of people cheering for you.

    When you were pregnant, did your doctor tell you not to make any important decisions? This is because when you’re not feeling yourself, your decisions aren’t made from a good place.

    Feel your feelings… try to write them out in a free flowing writing exercise…. see if you come up with anything or if you just need to get stuff out. Then you’ll find your good place again.

    Love

    • I’m going to sit down with my private journal tonight and try to work through some of this. I think that’s a good idea. I need to be able to write and get this out without an audience. Some things need to be done on our own, and I believe this is one of them. 🙂

  8. I think whatever my partner was thinking on the day he buries his mum….well, that day gives him a “pass” in my books for any random,if crazy thoughts.
    Imagine you were burying a parent-I certainly hope your partner would know you would not be feeling anything but reeling with grief and at rockbottom.

    Grief is a painful journey and will take us through all kinds of up and down emotions and some irrational thoughts.It also puts persective-the day w bury pour parents is not a day we want to squabble with loved ones-it makes things like fights seem trivial and wasteful in the face of honoring someone’s life.

    Basically I think it is time to look outside one’s self to what another is suffering through.It is how we love in the saddest and darkest of hours that show us what true love is.

    (ok just my 2 cents!)

    Hang in there if you love him!!

    • I have buried a parent. When I was 14. I also buried my best friend when I was 20. So I understand grief. Very well.

      I was there with CBG the entire week of his mom’s wake and funeral, standing beside him, holding his hand, holding his dad’s hand, and doing absolutely everything that I possibly could do to make the experience the best that it could possibly be under the circumstances. What happened on Thursday was due to a misunderstanding. But since you weren’t there and don’t know all of the details, there’s no way that you could possibly understand that.

      Basically I think it’s time for you to stop judging this situation since you really don’t understand all of the factors involved here.

      • I do want to apologize if my words ticked anyone off in any way….
        I wasn’t sure if they were written in a way that may seem judgemental (that was not my intent!)and now I realize if I wondered how it may be interpreted, well then better safe than sorry and
        should have never sent it in the first place.

        The main point was supposed to be that in grief people act all out of sorts(I didn’t mean that you didn’t understand or sympathize with grief).

        Best wishes now and in the future to you,

      • Meant to add-
        Sympathies to your losses in your life as well.

        (And it’s been very obvious on the blog that you have been a powerful support for CGB and his dad
        to lean on).

  9. Holy guacamole! Your words ring soooo true with me. I’m going through my own LDR pseudo-breakup/argument. I, too, immediately go to the I’m not good enough place. Which, of course, is right next door to the I’ve never been good enough place.

    LOTS and LOTS of self-talk make it possible to get out of there….I think.

    I agree with you about the scary part being how easy it is to go back to these places.

    I agree that you (we) need to feel our feelings, but I know I have to be careful to not wallow in them too long.
    Hugs!

    • Thanks, Lisa. The “I’m not good enough” place is a scary one for me, since I spent a great deal of my marriage planted firmly there. I don’t want to be that person anymore….and the fact that I am able to slide back there so easily concerns me.

      You’re right, btw – there’s a definite balance to be found between ‘feeling’ and ‘wallowing’. That’s one that I definitely struggle with.

      *hugs*

  10. This is all normal. When things are going so well, each bump in the road is going to feel magnified. You’re not used to feeling insecure and shaken anymore. That’s probably why it’s affecting you so much. Things will get better. *hugs*

  11. […] just noticed little things. Some things are more of an effort than they should be. My self-esteem has taken a bit of a beating. I’ve snuggled down into a very comfortable rut in my life. I avoid too much effort.  […]

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