Tenderized

Yesterday was an ugly day.

It began as what I’d hoped would be a meaningful, helpful conversation. It degraded into what might have been the ugliest argument that CBG and I have ever had.

It’s been a bad week for both of us. Everything culminated into a single huge argument where regrettable things were said, on both sides.

It’s one thing to spit out angry words when you’re in the heat of an argument. It’s quite another to type them out and hit “send”.

And yet, if we’d been in the same room together, I doubt it would have happened. We never seem to have a problem when we’re together – conflicts may arise, but we are always able to sit down and talk it through. Being able to hear someone’s tone and hold their hand makes it all so much better. It was another one of those cases when being in an LDR just made the situation just *that* much  more challenging.

I woke up this morning feeling ‘tenderized’ – like I took an emotional beating yesterday. I know that CBG is feeling the same way.

This morning as I write this my heart feels heavy. I feel like I failed CBG. Yesterday, of all days, he needed me more than ever. And I wasn’t able to be there for him. In fact, it was like I kicked him when he was already down. And that shouldn’t happen – ever. I’ve always prided myself on being a pretty decent girlfriend – paying attention to CBG’s needs, responding to them. I’m not  perfect, but dammit, I’ve been pretty good. And yesterday wasn’t exactly a shining example of my abilities as a girlfriend or a human being.

And yet, the argument brought to light for me some of my own issues that need addressing. Issues that get in the way of CBG and having an even better relationship than we do. Issues that get in the way of me being the best possible girlfriend and human being that I can be.

This morning as I write this I’m feeling all different kinds of fucked up.

And then I am reminded that as part of my list of “37 Items”, I have vowed to not distract myself from the tough stuff.  And this is no different. But really? Wow. It’s one of the toughest things ever to have your bag of unresolved issues ripped open so they spill all over the place.

Because now I’m left with the task of cleaning that shit up.

Thank goodness I see CBG tonight. I know that just being there with him, being scooped up in a huge hug is going to make me feel so much better. Because right now, I’m feeling pretty low. I keep thinking about all the things I said and how and I made him feel. Our words keep echoing in my head. I haven’t re-read the email chain but I’m sure that’s something I’ll be re-visiting in the not too distant future. Yesterday was not a good day, and it’s going to take a while for us both to recover from it.

It’s gonna be a long day, kids.

17 Responses

  1. Awww….hang in there.

  2. I’m so glad you’ll be face to face tonight. The ugly is bound to happen sometimes. Email and ugly not such a good combo! How do we handle this LDR business? We must be very special people 🙂

    • Thanks. This whole LDR thing definitely presents its own unique challenges. Not better or worse than any other relationship…just different. It’s learning how to deal with them that’s the really tough part.

      And you’re right…we’re pretty special people indeed! 😉

  3. *hugs*

    Hope tonight makes things better.

  4. So the thing is, you absolutely recognize that you were not perfect. And that is a GOOD thing sweets. I hope that this weekend is exactly what both of you want/need!

  5. You were already pretty tender yesterday anyway so these feelings are normal. Be gentle and loving with yourself today. Pamper your body, mind and spirit. Give yourself love and you will see the world as loving.

    Have a WONDERFUL weekend!

    xxoo

    • I guess I should have known better than to enter into an important conversation when we were both feeling so unlike ourselves yesterday. I guess it was an important learning experience for us.

      Thanks for your support, T, as always. xo

  6. I’ll say to you what I just said to CBG…I am constantly amazed at your level of transparency in your blog regarding your relationship, especially given you both read each other’s blogs. it’s really admirable. As for yesterday, well, clearly you were having a really rough day for a number of reasons, and of course today, you’d prefer yesterday’s email exchange didn’t happen, but you’re learning and working through your own stuff right now too, it’s bound to happen. Nobody’s perfect, you can just move forward. Hope you two have a great weekend. XO.

    • Thanks. 🙂

      Honesty and communication are important to the both of us. I’d like to think that nothing I write here about our relationship comes as a surprise to him.

      I think that yesterday just needs to be chalked up to us both having really bad days. All couples argue, and we’re no different. Conflict happens….it’s just part of being in a relationship. I think I’d be more worried if we never had any conflict at all, ever. 😉

      The good news is that these incidents are few and far between. So for that reason yesterday was A Big Deal for both of us. I’m confident that we’ll learn and move forward together from it. 🙂

  7. Oof. Sounds like a really, really tough day for you all around. I can remember having some of these very specific fights/disagreements/arguments (whatever you want to call them) with my husband over the years and just feeling SO bad (embarrassed almost) that either of us let it get to that point. Where we say or do things we regret later. But to your point in the comments above, communication is important, and (healthy) arguments (a form of communication, right?) is important to a healthy relationship. I firmly believe that. It happens. It sucks. But you learn from it. Both of you do. And your relationship grows stronger because of it. That hug tonight will make a huge difference too, I am sure. soak in this weekend together.

    • Thanks for your support. 🙂 I think it’s particularly tough for CBG and I because we both had somewhat volatile relationships with our exes. It’s tough to know what’s “healthy” and what isn’t. I guess that’s just something we’ll have to figure out as time goes on.

  8. I have to say you are a very brave soul to bare your
    “warts” to the blogosphere!
    I don’t think I would be as brave and honest.

    Yesterday CGB buried his mum’s ashes.I think that is such an unbearable thing to experience that it really wasn’t right to bring up any other topic.That is a day where all his attentions should be focused on his mother.It is sad that on this day the other memory will be an email argument.

    But I truly admire you pointing out your mistakes-I have made a lot in my life and am not as fearless as you.

    I do think it sounds pretty horrible to squabble in such a day.What if you were burying a loved one?
    This is a moment in time for compassion and maturity and to be there for the grieving.

    Yet hats off to you to realizing the nastiness of it all and your bravery.We all make mistakes-we are human.I have plenty of mistakes you could call me out on bigtime.

    I have many things to work on myself and trust me,
    am no saint.I wish you the very best and once again admire your transparency and willingness to allow people like me to “butt into” your very personal life (that I really have no right to comment on.,I must say!)

  9. […] know it’s love when a day like Thursday can happen, and a hug can make it all melt […]

  10. […] myself today, and haven’t been really, all weekend long. I can pinpoint this feeling back to what happened on Thursday, and that horrible argument that CBG and I had.  The best word I can come up with to describe this […]

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