Negativity

Today I am a big ball of negativity. My first thought when I woke up this morning was, “I do NOT want to do this today.”

I’m feeling this mix of negative emotions, and the result is that I’m in a pretty foul mood.

I’m feeling frustrated. I’ve been seeing a chiropractor for my neck/upper back issues and everything has been going really well. However this week (and it could be from all the general negativity I’m feeling who knows), my neck has really been killing me. I woke up this morning and it feels worse than it has in a while. And it’s frustrating. I’ve really been counting on these treatments “fixing” me. I’ve had a taste of what normal feels like in terms of my body, and now anything less than that is going to be upsetting.

I’m feeling helpless. I’m worried about CBG and everything that he’s going through right now. But at the same time, I realize that getting all up in his grill about things isn’t going to help. But sitting back and just letting him work through things feels a little bit cold and heartless. It’s tough to find a happy medium there. I also wish that I could be there for him tomorrow morning when they bury his mom’s ashes. And I can’t. It’s just another reminder of how much being in a LDR sucks.

I’m feeling scared. The weight of an unknown future in so many areas of my life is really weighing down on me today. There are so many unknown factors and thinking about that is causing me a lot of fear lately.

I’m feeling anxious. The long weekend is fast approaching and CBG and I have failed to have a real conversation about how we’re going to handle parenting together. After a long conversation with a friend about the situation yesterday, my anxiety levels have actually increased. I feel like there’s no way that CBG and I are ever going to reach a point where parenting together is going to be comfortable.

I’m feeling angry. For some reason I just have some free-floating anger going on right now, too. Anger at a lot of the usual things – the LDR situation, missing my girls too much, and the fact that I feel like life is a struggle more than it should. It all just feels incredibly unfair and I’m angry about that. Part of me is just looking for a poor unsuspecting victim to unleash my fury on. Likely, it will be myself.

I’m feeling worn out. Actually, exhausted might even be a better word. I ended up being awake too late last night, and now this morning I’m paying the price. Also, being in discomfort  pain from my neck is particularly exhausting. I’m also just feeling tired in general – tired of the struggle that so many things in my life seem to be right now.

I’m feeling selfish and ungrateful. Yeah, you heard it. My “Inner Brat” is rearing her ugly head today. She’s spoiled and sulky because there are too many things just not going her way. She’s unwilling to look at all the things that are going well for her right now. She wants none of it. She really just wants to give the world a big old “Screw you.”

Today is one of those days when I would just be a whole lot better off crawling back into bed and pretending that none of this is happening. And yet, I don’t have that option. And that knowledge sure isn’t helping matters either. The only thing I can do is take a deep breath and attempt to power through. And try really, really hard not to nut-punch anyone today. Figuratively or literally.

9 Responses

  1. You read my mind today. Let’s hope we both make it through w/o nut punchin anyone.

  2. I so feel you on this. Pain, exhaustion, and stress –not a good combo for anyone. My current demon is anxiety. Be safe.

  3. Hey, I think this just means you are ALLOWING your feelings. You need to get them out rather than harbor them, or else you will just burst. And you have every right to feel tired and sick of the unfairness of things with the LDR, missing having more time with your girls and your neck pain. I have a close friend who has chronic back pain from a car accident years ago and when it rears up, everything just feels amplified…so I bet that is also part of it, your pain is amplifying all the other craptastic stuff too. Hang in there. Hugs.

  4. I think you’re mourning some things… and processing others…. so these are all normal feelings. Just FEEL ‘EM! While your mind is sorting through it all, allow all the emotion. You’ll feel better soon.

    ((hugs))

  5. I know my situation was a lot different than yours, being that JME didn’t have any children, but even though he didn’t have children we had two *completely* different parenting styles. It took a lot of time for things to feel.. balanced? I guess.
    Where we both felt comfortable doing it together despite our differences and eventually we found that we worked really well together (well, at least in this aspect) lol
    He had more of your parenting style and I was more like CBG.

    I am *not* exaggerating though, when I said that it took A LOT of time for this to happen – and we were faced with that challenge on an almost daily basis.
    So give it some more time – it will happen. It isn’t always going to be smooth, just like parenting with a biological parent isn’t always smooth, but eventually you two will find a groove that works for the both of you. One that will make you happy and feel natural.

    You just need more time.

    As for the other stuff, you’ll make it through today. I can’t promise you won’t nut-punch anyone but if you do I hope it makes you feel better. ;)
    Take it one day at a time and don’t the worries and frustrations and anxieties of the future weigh you down. Deal with what’s in front of you right now, take a deep breath and in the words a wise Disney fish: “Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim, swim.”

  6. that was don’t let the worries*

  7. Just make it through today any way you can. Tomorrow’s gotta be better, right? It will pass (I hope!).

  8. I agree with everyone here – feel those feelings (both good and bad ones) and let it out. Holding them in will only make you feel worse (and I bet your neck is paying the press for the additional anger/frustration you are feeling). Hang in there…maybe tonight calls for a nice long bath with a glass of wine.

  9. I hope things are better for you soon.

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