Working Shit Out

CBG and I had a big, important conversation this weekend.

It was about me and my ex husband. Something small and insignificant happened and it was like a floodgate opened. There has been some anger and resentment building there toward him that I haven’t exactly been dealing with effectively. This resulted in me reacting pretty negatively to what should have been nothing more than a small irritation, if that.

CBG and I talked a long time. He voiced some concerns and pointed out a few of his own observations. It was a tough conversation to have, but he really got me thinking. There are things that I haven’t been dealing with. And you know what? It’s been having a negative impact on my current relationship. I don’t completely have my shit together. I haven’t worked through all of those old hurts. I am not 100% healed from my failed marriage.

I still have work to do.

At this point I’m not even sure where to begin tackling this. But I know that I have to….if for no other reason than my relationship with my ex is having a negative impact on my relationship with CBG. My ex negatively impacted my life for long enough. Now that we are no longer together, I can’t allow him to him that much influence on my life, father of my children or not.

I anticipate some “working shit out” blog posts in the next little while. In the interests of privacy, some of them will be passworded. If you would like the password, please email me. The passwords are in place only to keep out my ex and his family members and some of my ex friends, who may or may not be still reading. I need to work this out without feeling like I have people looking over my shoulder.

But make no mistake. I will be working through this, whether it’s on my own or publicly on this blog. I began the process of getting my life back almost three years ago; I have no intention of stopping now.

It’s time to get my life back – fully and completely.

15 Responses

  1. I’m not sure that you can ever entirely get over the anger and resentment with an ex whilst you still have to see them for the benefit of the kids.

    It can be difficult just being civil with someone who has created you so much pain (and I am sure that in the majority of divorces both parties have suffered significant pain) let alone have a working relationship. But alas, as single parents, it is essential that you do have a working relationship and that, alone, causes further pressures and strains.

    Good luck with it all!

    • Co-parenting and seeing the other person on a regular basis definitely makes it WAY more challenging. Particularly since the things about him that made me want to end the marriage are still there. With the arrangement that we have (50/50) I see him almost every single day; and we email frequently, communicating about one aspect or another about the girls.

      It’s tough to work through all of this when he’s still such a big part of my life; but I’m determined to do my best.

  2. It’s got to be so hard to face some of what you need to work out related to your ex, but you’re doing the right thing – working it out, getting past it, flushing it from your system so you can continue to strengthen your relationship with CBG.

    • My biggest motivation for wanting to work this out is that I don’t want to continue allowing him to have so much influence in my life. Because of our girls we will always be connected, but there still need to be limits and boundaries there on that relationship.

  3. I’m glad you are facing some of this head-on that maybe you didn’t even REALIZE you hadn’t come to terms with. And I really dig that CBG helped you see that maybe you hadn’t come to terms with some stuff yet. Of course, you know I’d love the password. Dig deep, you got this!

    • Sometimes it’s so helpful to have someone else’s perspective. What really hit home for me this weekend was realizing that my negative relationship with my ex was having a negative impact on CBG and my relationship with him. Not a huge influence….but still. It’s something that needs work, for sure.

  4. I’m still workin’ my shit out too, girlfriend. I’ve been so overwhelmed with what I’m learning that I can’t even blog about it. I’m hoping to be able to put it into words soon.

    And yes, you should just send me the password anyway. Duh!

    Love you and CBG. Isn’t it awesome to have a partner who’s willing to allow you to grow and heal?

    • For me it goes back to that whole codependence thing. The cycle hasn’t been completely broken with him yet. The fact that I allow him so much control over my moods is certain evidence of that. I guess I didn’t really realize how much until this weekend when it seemed like I overreacted to a certain situation. It wasn’t until CBG pointed it out that it was like a lightbulb going off. Duh!

      Having CBG in my life is such a blessing. He’s not “making” me grow and heal — like you said, he’s allowing it. And it’s such a wonderful thing.

  5. Wow. I could have written a LOT of this too. I, too, see that I give the ex WAY more influence and attention he deserves. I have been told that I do – I see that I do. I’m jut not sure how to be different. Ugh – it’s hard for sure. I will DEFINTELY be reading in the future so I can ride your coattails to being all whole and healthy. 😉

  6. Ugh…I understand this working things out aspect. I will often bitch for a bit about The Ex if he messes with my life negatively but then once I do I feel a little better. I wish I was completely impassive though. I’m just not there yet. And yes send password in case I’ve lost it!

  7. Please send me the password if you don’t mind me reading. I get so much out of your posts. You ALWAYS make me think of things from a different point of view.

    I have a lot to work out too, lots of fears more than anything else. I just wish I had an idea of how / where to start. I’m kind of at a loss.

  8. […] everything that I’m dealing with in terms of my ex lately, this is exactly the message that I needed to hear this morning. I have been giving too much […]

  9. […] I’ve got issues of my own that I’m working on right now, too. My ex and I have talked about sitting down and having a big conversation about how we can make things better between the two of us, but we’ve yet to do it. I have some things I’ve been chewing on, but haven’t been able make sense of enough to blog about yet. […]

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