Stuck

Yesterday CBG and I were in the same frame of mind. Over the course of the day, and well into the evening, we had an email conversation about how we were both feeling about our relationship.

The general theme of the conversation was “stuck”.

We’re basically finding ourselves in a place where the rest of our lives, pretty much everything outside of our relationship, feels like it’s in limbo. We’ve moved past the “pining away for each other” stage of our relationship, and have settled into a place where we are waiting for our happy, together-at-last ending.

Waiting.

Meanwhile, life continues on around us, but we only participate as much as we have to. I mean, I’m fully engaged with my girls, and absolutely love spending time with them….my job is decent…I have friends that I don’t necessarily see as often as I should, but who I know are there for me when I need them. It’s not like I’m sitting home crying every night because I can’t be with my man, but I’m not exactly out there living it up, either. I don’t sit back and constantly dream about how much better life would be if we were together. Of course I indulge those thoughts from time to time, but it’s not at the forefront even a lot of the time. My life outside of my girls and CBG feels temporary. It’s not the life that I want, so I don’t feel particularly inspired to invest a whole lot of time and energy in it.

One of the most depressing realizations I had yesterday is the fact that this LDR isn’t going to get any easier as time goes on. I used to think about how we might find a way to be together at least more often as our kids get older. I envisioned more family weekends all together. But it’s occurred to me lately that as our kids get older, hanging out with the folks isn’t going to be nearly as appealing as it might be right now. They’re going to have their own lives – friends, weekend activities – things to keep them firmly planted in their home city, rather than wanting to road trip to see their pseudo step-family on a regular basis.

Before anyone goes off on me, I know how fortunate I am to have found someone that I love enough to endure the distance for, and who is willing to do the same for me. I understand that what he and I have together is something that doesn’t come along very often at all. I get it.  I also get it that whining about how tough this is makes me seem pretty ungrateful. I promise you that I’m not. But isn’t it possible to be both grateful and utterly sick and tired of this distance crap at the same time?

The solution to this (for me) isn’t to get out there and cultivate a life of my own. I have a life of my own, thank you very much. I have my girls and I have my friends and family. I’m just not interested in meeting new people or taking a class….something to make the time apart feel easier. Because the truth is, no matter what I happen to be doing, it still boils down to the fact that all I’m doing is killing time. Waiting until our next visit together…and waiting for our “big picture happily ever after” to finally arrive.

The truth is – there is no solution to this. Being in a long distance relationship is exhausting and painful. But not nearly as painful as living without the man who makes me happier than I’ve ever imagined being. And so we are stuck. Stuck hurting, stuck hoping, stuck waiting.

With no end in sight.

11 Responses

  1. Sorry about the wall you’ve hit. I hope there’s a door in it somewhere so you can find your way through.

    • Thanks. 🙂 I guess it’s just going to happen that we hit rough patches like these from time to time. Not easy to get through, but at least we have each other.

  2. Sigh. Kind of what I mentioned yesterday too…and don’t think we (or at least me!) think you are taking for granted what you have, clearly, you are not. You are very grateful and aware of what you have with CBG, but yeah, living long distance is sort of like life’s on pause. And that’s a crappy feeling. I wish I had words of advice, beyond trying to keep doing what you are doing, living your life the best you can when you aren’t with CBG and enjoying every minute when you are with him. XO.

    • Thanks, girlie. I guess I’m just not feeling all that strong this week. It can get a little overwhelming when we start talking about still being in this same position five or more years down the road….

  3. Yes, you are very fortunate to have found such a perfect person for you. But seriously, did it have to be this hard for you guys? I can feel your frustration, and I think it’s completely valid. It’s so tough. It’s okay to feel angry or sad about it. Why do some people get to find “the one” who lives 5 minutes away? Timing’s a bitch. I sincerely hope everything works out for you soon. Now which one of your exes wants to move along with you?!? Seems like a perfect solution, no? 😉

    • I actually ASKED my ex if he’d move….but no dice. I asked him at a time when he had no permanent job and had just lost an entire group of friends. The timing would have been perfect for him to start over in another city, but he wouldn’t go for it. And now he’s getting settled career-wise and re-built a life for himself here…so him moving just isn’t going to happen, unfortunately. I agree with you, though, it would be perfect if it could happen!

    • Oh – and here’s a bit of irony for you (I wrote about this last year I think before you were around) – back in the mid-90s, CBG and I actually lived in the same city – ON THE SAME FREAKING STREET!! We were both in relationships with other people. Then we both moved across town, to within a couple of streets of one another. It just boggles the mind to think about it. 😉

  4. That’s tough, I’ve never been in an LDR. I always like to have something to look forward to though, so that is probably how I would tend to look at your situation. You always have your next time together to look forward to.

  5. I hope that your time together forever comes very, very soon!

  6. I know it’s not helpful, but many of us are single,
    lonely and still searching for the “one”.

    Doesn’t take away your angst or lessen it I know,
    but think of us single gals out here ! 🙂

    Actually I have decided to embrace my life and love it ,single or attached,near or far! This is the one life we’ve got folks so we better treasure our health and life while we have it! (unless you believe in reincarnation of course!)

  7. […] had a rough couple of weeks recently. Between struggling with the distance and working through blended family issues, we’ve both been feeling the weight of our […]

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