A Good Hard Beat-Down by the Reality Monster

Last week was a less than stellar one.

The first shitty thing about it was that it was the week after a visit with CBG. Those weeks are always tough. But I’ve been doing pretty okay with it, so I have to say, that wasn’t the worst thing about the week.

The absolute worst thing about the week was work. I had a particularly stressful day on Wednesday. I won’t go into details since I have no guaranteed anonymity’, so all I’ll say is that Wednesday sucked donkey balls. My job is client-driven and deadline determined, so there’s always a certain amount of general stress and pressure there, but I had something going on Wednesday that would have been enough to drive almost anyone over the edge, for any number of reasons. It was the first time I experienced that level of stress, and it completely caught me off guard.

Wednesday afternoon it just kind of hit me. I’m going to have a lot of days weeks like this at my job. It’s just the nature of the beast. And honestly, I can be okay with it, most of the time. The thing that bothered me most of all was the fact that I thought about how, after a shitty day like the one I just had, all I really wanted to be able to do was go home and curl up on the couch with my man.

Instead, because even my girls were with their dad for the night, I went home to a dismally empty house. I sat at home alone and thought about how this is going to be my reality for a good long while to come. It was good hard punch in the face from reality. “Deal with it, Princess, you’re on your own.”

And I freaked – for the first time in a while, about this whole LDR thing. It was ugly. If you don’t believe me, ask CBG. He ended up on the receiving end of my shitting mood, like he usually does when this happens.

The whole thing comes back to me fighting against the reality of my life right now. Sure, I really want to have my man there help me after a stressful day, but the cold hard reality is that’s just not something I get to have right now. The alternative isn’t feeling sorry for myself and complaining about how unfair things are. The alternative is finding ways – on my own – of dealing with stress when it crops up. Certain things I can’t choose – like my current living conditions. Other things, like how I deal with stress and pressure, are very much things I can choose. Duh.

These are things I seem to keep forgetting from time to time. Fortunately, The Universe keeps answering with lessons that point me back in the right direction. I’m getting there, Universe, I promise.

5 Responses

  1. That whole *on my own* thing gets me too. I’m kind of a slow learner, and I’m just now understanding that there are no guarantees in life and I need to be able to take care of myself. It’s hard – not undoable – but hard.

  2. I completely know the feeling about this being the state of the job beast right now. Completely in the same boat. I am glad you are continuing to work through it and your LDR…I know you will come through this just fine, even though the Universe has a crapstic sense of humor…

  3. Sorry you had a rotten week. This week will be better, right? Come on Friday!

  4. I’ve grown to prefer time alone after a shitty day at work. I need the time to de-stress with a bath and a glass of wine, or bad TV, or whatever. Or I make plans with friends for after work. I like it.

  5. Sometimes you have to go easy on yourself. Pressure is, by it’s very nature, stressful and causes us to do strange things.

    If it’s any consolation, on Wednesday last week, the stress of my job got to me. My boss had a go at me, as the project I am working on is losing money, and I replied with the classic line, “well, you can’t polish a turd!”

    Not my finest response!

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