The Good Stuff

In the last week or so I’ve been overwhelmed with so many feelings. Grief, pride, gratitude, love…just to name a few. As I’ve said already, this past week was one of those deep, life-changing times of my life that I will remember forever.

The single most overwhelming feeling that I find myself carrying away from this week is gratitude. I have never felt more fortunate in my life than I do right now. It feels as though so many things are falling into place…things that I’ve wanted for so long. I finally feel like things are coming together.

I have a man who not only loves me, but absolutely adores me. I remember, almost 3 years ago now, talking to my exhusband about how I wanted to feel in a relationship (because something was glaringly missing from our marriage). What I have, now, with CBG, is what I wanted. He loves me the way I wanted to be loved. He makes me feel the way I always wanted to feel, but didn’t.

Life is settling into a comfortable pattern with my girls. Sure, I’d like to spend more time with them than I get, but I console myself with the fact that they have a good, involved dad who loves them and works to have a good relationship with them. I appreciate and enjoy the time I get to spend with them. I feel like I’m getting my act together and getting the necessary things done.

I have some wonderful friends. The people I couldn’t count on have been weeded out of my life in the last couple of years…and at this point, I couldn’t be happier about it. The people I have in my life are solid, loving people that I can count on when I need them….and they can count on me in return.

I have a really good relationship with CBG’s dad. This past week really solidified our relationship to the point where I feel like he’s the dad I always wanted. I enjoy hanging out with him and I know that he’s pretty fond of me, too. How awesome is that?

My relationship with my ex is okay. It’s not perfect, but I realize that I’ve got it a whole lot better than many people out there. He’s a good dad who loves his daughters, and though his ideas of what’s best for them might not always be the same as mine, it’s something that he puts a lot of thought into and effort toward. And that’s an important thing.

I am settling into my job. Sure, it’s not my dream job, but they earned a certain amount of loyalty when, last week I had to leave town to help CBG and his dad for the week and they didn’t bat an eye. When I was back at work on Friday and expressed gratitude for being given that time, my supervisor responded with, “Well, that’s what we try to do.” Being treated like a human being and not a number really made me realize how fortunate I am in this regard.

I stopped this weekend and looked around at all the wonderful things in my life, and actually felt a little overwhelmed by it all. The fact that it’s not perfect doesn’t even matter to me right now…because damn, even with all of it’s imperfections, life is still pretty freaking great. And when I think of how long it took to me to reach this point – how many changes had to be made, struggles endured, tears shed, it feels all the sweeter. I have worked for this, after all. And worked damn hard.

But yet, even with all of this, there is a part of me, a little voice in my back of my mind that tells me that maybe I don’t deserve any of this after all.

….to be continued….

6 Responses

  1. Of course there is…

    Our challenge is which voice we listen to.

    Keep on seeing the good – that is my wish for you.


    • Thanks, T. The good news here is that I actually HEAR the good stuff at all, which for a very long time, I simply wasn’t able to.

      My hope is that by continuing to focus on the good stuff, that negative voice will get quieter and quieter…

  2. I am so happy to hear that you are settling into such a lovely groove. Especially that your relationship is becoming exactly what you always hoped for but never thought you’d have. Ignore that voice in your head…you DO deserve this. All of it. Embrace it.

  3. It’s the other shoe to drop syndrome…I of course, get this, completely. it’s hard not to when things ARE going so perfectly! I am so happy things are so great and you see it for all that it is, and then some. AWESOME.

  4. […] Posted on March 2, 2011 by mommasunshine I wrote earlier this week about how I’m feeling pretty overwhelmed with how much The Universe seems to be smiling down on me lately. I feel like so many things that I’ve wanted, and have been asking for, are finally […]

  5. So glad things are falling together so completely for you. 🙂

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