Confronting Fear

Recent life events, specifically the news about CBG’s mom has stirred up a lot of emotions in me.

The most predominant one seems to be fear.

Ah Fear. My old familiar companion.

I guess it’s a natural reaction, when faced with death, to feel fear. Losing someone from our lives brings us face to face with our own mortality and the fact we will all die one day, too.

My fear is about more than that, though. I have a lot of fear about being able to support CBG through this in just the way that he needs right now. I’ve never had to support someone through losing a parent — this is entirely new territory for me. And as always, the distance makes it even more challenging than it would likely be otherwise.

If there was ever a time that I needed to prove how strong I’ve become in the last two years, it is now. Despite the fact that I have experienced many tangible moments that clearly demonstrate my inner strength, there is still that small, nagging dialogue in the back of my head that causes me to doubt myself.

I talked to CBG about some of these fears yesterday. It’s a fine line to walk – being honest with what I’m feeling on the one hand, but not causing him to feel like he can’t lean on me when he needs to. This is one of those situations when I know I will simply feel the fear and do it anyway. The thought that keeps running through my head, even through the fear, is that CBG needs and deserves someone that he can count on through this. I know that it’s something he’s never had in a relationship before.

I want to be that person. That’s what I signed on for, isn’t it? Particularly the distance part. But it’s one of those things you don’t think about initially when it comes to long distance relationships….how life’s difficulties are made even more difficult by the miles separating you.

Thankfully, the fear has yet to overwhelm me. When I have a moment to sit quietly and listen beyond the fear, there’s that Little Voice inside me – the voice that has been guiding me  in good directions lately – very softly telling me, “You got this”.

I just need to remember to sit and listen for that voice a little more often. She hasn’t steered me wrong yet.

6 Responses

  1. That voice is actually saying “I got this.” Meaning you’re not doing this alone.

    Thinking of you both.

  2. I agree with “T”. You are not doing this alone. And we know you need just as much support as CBG does. We’re here for the both of you.

  3. YES…you got this, you are a supporter, a lover and a friend. You are exactly what he needs and you will get through this ,fear or not.

  4. […] means that I’ll be carrying us for the next little while, I’m perfectly okay with that. My fears of not being strong enough melted away last night as I drifted off to sleep beside my man…the love of my […]

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