Sunshine’s Side of the Story

Well, kids, I’m going to subject you to yet another blog post where I toot my own horn and wax poetic about how smart I am and how much useful shit I learned from my failed marriage that has made me into a really awesome girlfriend.

‘Cuz one of the great things about being awesome is sharing your awesomeness with those around you.

Or something like that.

You’ve already read, from CBG’s point of view, what happened on the weekend. We had a bit of an…incident…over this past weekend. The condensed version of the story (for those of you who might have missed it ) is, after feeling a whole lot of stress (because of his mom being so sick) and after dealing with three hyper and rambunctious kids all day, CBG completely lost his temper. In fairness to him, it was after Ankle Biter fell down and came very close to being hurt (he was fine) but it was a little too much for CBG at that point. All the emotions from the weekend came pouring out in a few ugly seconds. He snapped.

He yelled at all of us.  In fact, I’ve never seen him that angry. Not even close.

It was one of the weirdest experiences I’ve ever had. As he was yelling at us, I just stood there, rather taken aback. I stood there, silent,  realizing that if this had been my ex when we were together, I would have yelled back. I would have yelled at him to “Calm the f*ck down” or some other equally not-so-wonderful thing. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would have made the situation worse, that’s for sure. An already painful and ugly situation would have been made a whole helluva lot worse.

But this time? I simply stood there. I let him get his anger, fear and stress out, all the while remaining calm, looking him in the eye, not saying a word. When he was finished, I simply exited the room.

THAT is how awesome I am.

I dealt with the kids, who were a little freaked out, and made sure they were feeling okay, and then continued to work on getting packed up, keeping my distance so everyone could calm down.

The truth is, as awesome as I was on the outside, I was somewhat less than awesome on the inside. I was hurt, sad and angry. It was more than a little tempting to lash out at him with any number of hurtful things or ultimatums. But in the back of my mind a little voice reminded me that CBG is feeling a lot of stress and worry right now. And while that doesn’t mean he can get away with behaving however he wants, it certainly means that I need to afford him more than a little bit of slack when that fear and worry and stress get expressed in a less than awesome way. I realized that what he needed in that moment wasn’t me yelling at him back, making things worse in any way. What he needed in that moment was love.

I continued to avoid him until he was ready to talk, which was just a short while later. We talked, and worked through it. He apologized to me and the kiddos and we all had a big group hug. Later that night, back at my place when my girls were sound asleep, he and I continued talking about it. It’s tough having conversations like that, but necessary. CBG’s got a lot going on right now…a lot of hurt, a lot of stress, a lot of worry. A lot of deep issues seem to be coming to the surface. It’s not easy seeing him hurt like this, particularly when there’s really not a whole lot I can do about it except listen and continue to love him. The good news is that during our conversation he was forthcoming, honest, and emotionally vulnerable. Because that’s how awesome he is.

Ultimately what happened earlier that afternoon was a good thing. It opened up the lines of communication and allowed him to get some stuff off his chest when we were able to talk about it later.

Plus, it gave me the perfect opportunity to, yet again, demonstrate my awesomeness…which is always a good thing.

heh.

26 Responses

  1. It sounds much like the incident I wrote about a few weeks ago.

    I’d love to be there now. He’s in a slump and I’m not loving him through it at all. 😦

  2. Wow… good job. It’s sooooo hard not to yell back or just tell them to take a Chill Pill… like anyone, sometimes we snap… give us a moment and we will be back to our normal selves.

    Seems like CBG needed that and good for you for recognizing it!

  3. Really good post on the ‘other’ side and I just love how you two continue to learn, learn, learn from each other.

  4. OK, you are kind of making a joke about it and I am smiling. BUT, you really do rock for this and I think he does too for how you two handled the after and the talk about it. I think that this really is huge! See, all of this work we are doing is paying off in good ways. Thanks for sharing cause it always makes me think.

    • Thanks, Danielle. I wanted to write a bit of a light-hearted post about this, just because I don’t want CBG to feel worse than he already does. But you’re right…it was a huge moment, both for me, and for us as a couple. 🙂

  5. You are an awesome girlfriend. Isn’t wonderful finding out how much we’ve learned from our past relationships?

  6. Wow. This kind of happened to us when The Man was up for the holidays, except I was the one who snapped. I apologized, and we talked about it the next day — never happened like that with my ex. Yay! A grown-up relationship!!

  7. You are awesome – in that one moment you totally influenced how the outburst was going to end and you made it possible to end much better than it would have ended if you had responded by yelling. And even more kudos for being able to grow closer because of this.

    • Thanks, Mandy. 🙂 We all have our less than fabulous moments in our relationships…it’s important to do our best to be understanding of that. I wasn’t always able to do that when it came to issues with my ex, so I’m glad that I’ve been able to learn from it.

  8. I’ve had a few of these incidents with The Man. I haven’t quite figured out how to handle them yet. I’ve reacted poorly (yelling), I’ve reacted calmly (trying to talk to him), I’ve reacted silently (like you describe here). So far, nothing works. I’ve tried telling him that I don’t know how to respond to him when he’s angry because everything I try seems to make it worse. He sees the fact that I try different things as being “calculating.” I apologize for my part in the argument and he sees it as passive-aggressive. Gah! It’s so frustrating! But when he’s mad, he’s just mad and he wants to stay that way. It’s the one thing that worries me about our relationship. I used to think that we didn’t argue well… but after many years of trying, I’m beginning to believe that *he* doesn’t argue well. Luckily, we argue very rarely. Sigh. Such an important thing, to be able to deal with arguments constructively. It’s definitely something we’re working on. Kudos to you both for handling things the way you did.

    • Wow, the situation you describe is tough. It seems like when someone wants to be angry, they jump on any thing they can find to fuel that anger. I think that one of the most effective things that someone can do when their partner is being angry and irrational is to just not respond. Remove yourself from the situation and let them be angry, and then talk about it when they’ve calmed down. This is very, very difficult to do – the natural response is usually to yell back!

      Keep working on it…hopefully you’ll be able to find something that works for you. 🙂

  9. Keep sharing your awesomeness! I loved that sentence! Those talks are so hard. I like to think that I will be better that way in my next relationship. I hope so. I enjoy learning from you.

  10. That’s amazing 🙂
    I’m sure I probably would have yelled. When Jamie gets frustrated, I get frustrated and it’s a never-ending circle.
    That’s definitely something that will make your relationship stronger if you ask me.

    • The old me would have yelled, for sure. Or I would have sulked afterwards and played the victim. I’ve made up my mind that just because I was that person before, doesn’t mean that I have to keep being that person.

  11. […] provided me with some good guidance recently – she’s the same voice that helped me in dealing with an ugly situation with CBG last weekend. So sure, she’s got a lot of good points. […]

  12. One of the things that makes you guys so great as a couple is that you show love in words and gestures.

    Sometimes knowing when NOT to say something is more loving that speaking your mind that’s for darn sure!

    Tiff

  13. I read both of your accounts of this. Wow, you ARE an awesome girlfriend, and what impresses me about CBG is how he completely and totally owned up to it. He didn’t try to dodge or deflect his behavior, but acknowledged that it was a mistake and apologized.

    I hope you can both learn from this and improve your relationship because of it.

    I’m sorry to hear about his mother. Sending positive thoughts.

  14. […] form of stress and anxiety, particularly when we’re together with the kids. I think back to New Year’s weekend when his mom was sick.  That was another situation when he found himself overwhelmed with fear and anxiety, and it just […]

  15. […] much about myself in the last year. I learned the depths of my own strength. I loved my man through relationship blips and blended family challenges. I held him up during the most difficult moment of his life. I faced […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: