Hustle and Bustle

Yesterday a coworker asked me if I was all ready for Christmas. My response was to shoot her one of those “if looks could kill” glare. She backed away, laughed nervously and said,  ” You do know that Christmas is on Saturday, right?” “Yeah, I heard something about that.” I responded.

And here it is, Tuesday, and I’m still not ready yet. My lack of time would seem to be catching up with me. Finding time to get everything done in my life these days is a huge challenge.

Last night as I looked over the gifts I had for the kids (Kiddo, Little Mo and Ankle Biter) it just didn’t seem like enough. And I know, I know, Christmas isn’t about the quantity of gifts. I get that. But I still found myself looking at what I had and dreading Christmas morning, rather than looking forward to it. It didn’t help matters that my girls really didn’t have anything that they wanted for Christmas. All Kiddo has said is “books” (she’s 7, and seriously into reading). My youngest told me random things like “A Notebook! A Santa toy!”

I suppose I should be grateful that they didn’t ask for extravagant things that I can’t afford.

I think I’ve written before that when I was a kid, I don’t have a lot of happy Christmas memories. My father was either drunk or hungover, but you can pretty much guarantee that he would be in a bad mood. Many years my parents argued. There was at least one year when they weren’t even speaking to each other.

More than anything, I want my girls to have nothing but happy memories of Christmas. I know that having lots of presents won’t necessarily accomplish that. Maybe that’s just me being lazy – looking for “things” to bring happiness, because I don’t have enough confidence in myself to accomplish that on my own. Maybe it’s just single parent guilt because I know I can’t give my girls the one thing that they’d love most in this world – to have a ‘whole’ family again.

One thing is for sure. Christmas morning, no matter what, if I have any lingering sadness, I’ll swallow it all and slap on the world’s biggest smile for those girls. The last thing they need is memories of a “sad mommy” on Christmas morning. They deserve so much more than that.

While I may not be able to provide them with as many material things as I’d like, the one thing they’ll never want for is love.

7 Responses

  1. *HUGS* I can totally understand that feeling! The first year after the divorce was so painful for me. I kept up fronts and all…but inside it was hard. I decided this was the year I wouldn’t have too much guilt about Christmas…I am not stressing the # or the type of gifts they got. My kids are relatively easy in that they will be happy with whatever it is. Some are nice, but overall they’re pretty average–a skateboard (he’s DYING for one…but I didn’t get the most expensive) and a soccer goal for the backyard (bit expensive but we’ll all use it). Just be present for them that morning and it will be an awesome Christmas. They’re terribly lucky to have you!

  2. No words of wisdom, but I do hope that come Christmas morning you are not just pasting a smile on your face. I hope that you have as much genuine fun as you want the kids to have! You certainly deserve it.

  3. You do so much for your girls just being a great mom, and whatever you give them, they will love. I just know it. I can imagine fearing it’s never “enough” but I think that’s natural for any parent (or anyone, really!) right?

  4. I want the same for Ian.

  5. We all get it, honey. Just build tradition and fun. The rest will take care of itself.

    Sending love.

  6. I love love love the way you ended this post!

  7. My son only gets one Christmas present this year and I feel horrible about it. It’s all I can afford and it’s not even that expensive of a gift ($50.00). We talked about it and he knows that money spent on our Florida vacation last month was going to be considered a Christmas present but it still stinks only having 1 present for him!

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