The Line

I’ve written before about how my marriage was pretty unhealthy. I’m not going to recap all of that again. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of reading about it before, I’ll just say that my ex and I were grossly codependent. It was some nasty shit, people. It certainly wasn’t all his fault, either. I own half of it. I mean, he may have treated me like a doormat, but there were plenty of times when I actually laid down and asked him to wipe his feet on me. He may have acted like the all seeing, all knowing parent, but so often I was unable to make a decision without him. Sure, he carried me, and enjoyed every second of it, but I leaned on him far too much.

You get the idea.

The point of this post isn’t about how screwed up my marriage was. The point of this post is the fact that I’m still messed up because of it. And I’ve carried this screwed-upness into my relationship with CBG.

I find myself really unable at times to figure out how much I need to be leaning on him, and how much I need to stand on my own two feet. I know that I need to be strong and independent. And I very much want to be that person. But on the other hand, being in a relationship means that you are open to the other person. That you do lean on them sometimes for help and support. That’s one of the benefits of being in a relationship, after all.

But where is the line? When does leaning on someone become being needy? When are you shutting out the other person and not allowing them to help and support you when that’s what they want to do?

There have been times when I find myself wanting to lean on CBG, yet pushing him away at the same time. Other times I find myself frustrated at him because he doesn’t feel supportive enough. But then I question that feeling, wondering if it’s because I’m wanting more from him than he should be giving to me.

Being healthy in a relationship is so damn difficult sometimes. How do you ask for help without being too needy? How do you exercise your independence without pushing the other person away?

Where is the line? How do I find that balance?

Just another area that I feel completely unbalanced in. Some days I wonder if I’ll ever get it right.

6 Responses

  1. I’m not allowed to give advice on relationships but I do want to say that if I need help from someone I will ask them and it’s okay if they say no.

    Interdependence is a word I like.

    • I always worry that I’ll ask and they’ll feel OBLIGATED to say yes….and I guess that’s my own issue. I can’t worry about defending my own boundaries and my partner’s as well.

  2. I feel bad that your past marriage impacts things now, as it’s easy to compare what you have now to what you had then, and want to steer as far away from the past as possible now. And I also think that you are so self-aware now that you probably – as i have been known to do – overthink when you “want” to lean on CBG as if it is a bad thing or a warning sign of codependence, when in fact, it’s not. It’s because you love him and he supports you, and that, my friend, is healthy. IMHO. 🙂

  3. Ohh. Change the references from CBG to my man and you’re echoing almost exactly what I’ve been pondering and trying to come to terms with in my own mind for months. Where is the line between wanting support and feeling needy?

    • I guess it’s one of those things that trial and error, and having good communication with your partner can really help. In my conversation with CBG, he really let me know that he WANTS me to turn to him for support when I need it….that I don’t always have to try to be so independent. It’s tough, finding that healthy balance in a relationship. Effort is the key, I think!

      • It does take effort, at least, it does if it isn’t effortless already 😀 I guess as with most things it becomes easier over time until it’s as natural as breathing.

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