This began as a single post about Fear. Seems like I have a lot to say on the topic, so I’m breaking this up and doing a series of posts on the topic.
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If the story of my life had a cast of emotional characters, Fear would be one of the major players. It seems like in so many things that I do, from my relationship with CBG to my job, to my parenting, Fear is always hanging around, giving me grief. She’s got a whole lot to say on pretty much every possible fear-inducing area of my life.
Fear has many faces. Sometimes Fear is the bully, overtly pushing me around, causing me to do things almost against my will. Sometimes fear is a whiny child, pouting and stomping her foot and demanding attention. Other times, Fear pretends to be my best friend, quietly whispering in my ear, convincing me that she’s right and coercing me in directions that seem to go against my instincts.
Yeah….Fear is a bitch like that…unpredictable and always switching up approaches like that.
This past Sunday night, CBG and I laid curled up in bed together, talking. Our three week stretch of not seeing one another was a little rough. We’d had a couple of email spats. At more than one point during those three weeks, I’d found myself quite overwhelmed with fear and negativity. I even pulled away from him for a couple of days in there, too. Fear had been doing a lot of talking. She told me that this long distance relationship is too hard. She told me that CBG and I would both be better off going on our separate ways. She said that the hurt wasn’t worth the good times. She pulled out all the stops.
The most concerning part for me is that at one point, she almost had me convinced. Maybe she even did have me convinced for half a day or so in there.
….to be continued….