I’ve missed so much. . .

This morning at noon the girls headed off with their dad to spend the rest of Thanksgiving day with him. I’m at home, alone, and have been spending the afternoon cleaning and organizing – something I don’t normally get a whole lot of time to do.

I’ve also been spending a lot of time thinking. Something else I don’t get a whole lot of time to do.

I’ve been looking at some old photos of my girls, of my pre-separation life. I feel a deep sense of mourning for that time. I think about the worst of it, when I was deep in depression, missing out on so much of my girl’s lives, because I was too self-absorbed and too bogged down by my own sadness that I couldn’t truly see them. And now that I can see them, now that I’m not struggling to meet the basics of life anymore, I feel overwhelmed by sadness again. Sadness for the little girls who still feel so much hurt. Sadness for the loss of some very precious times in their lives. Sadness because there are still times when I wake up in the morning and feel like I’ve somehow gotten stuck inside someone else’s life.

This isn’t what I signed on for. This sure as hell isn’t what THEY signed on for, either.

I know that someday, in the not-too-distant future, I will look back on this time, right now, and mourn what I’ve lost with my girls. It’s different now, though. I am awake and aware and very much tuned into my girls when we are together. And yet, with work and school and sharing custody with their dad, the time I do get with them is precious little.

I am still missing so much. And I don’t really know hot to come to terms with it.

3 Responses

  1. I once posted along similar lines and was given this advice which I think was great,

    “It’s so hard having to share them isn’t it? It kept me and my husband together much longer than we should have been, but I hope in a way it means that our kids get the best of us.

    That may not be true all the time, but I hope most of the time it is.”

    Since my split I certainly spend less time with the little ones but the time I do spend with them is real quality time. I think, at the end of the day, you have to satisfy yourself with that.

  2. i’ve been separated for over 2 years now, and i still cry for what we’ve all lost. not for him, because i know that we can never be together and be healthy and happy. but i cry for the family i wanted to give my daughters, for the future i planned but never had, and for the dreams that didn’t come true. i know, as you say, that there are still good times out there, happy times and exciting possibilities. but it does break my heart that this future will be built on the back of loss.

  3. Hugs. As someone who lived the opposite life of your girls and had parents that stayed together when they shouldn’t have. You are living again and they will remember the happiness when they look back.

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