That Old Familiar Feeling

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my exhusband lately.

He’s been having a bit of a traumatic couple of months, thanks to some (now) ex-friends. I’ve been there with this same group of people – I can definitely relate. We’ve had lots of great, healing conversations about what went wrong in our marriage, the people that we are now, and our co-parenting relationship.

We are, at this point, I daresay — friends. I never thought I’d see it happen, but always hoped that it would.

We have regained some of the old rapport that we once had. We tease, we laugh, we have occasionally have deep conversations about spiritual growth. It’s the friendship that I’ve been missing for the past 2+ years of my life….the part of my marriage that I always wished we’d been able to salvage, but because of so much hurt and anger (and also because of those ‘ex’ friends) we hadn’t been able to get to.

It feels so good to have him as a friend.

* * * * *

Yesterday was far from an ideal day for me. He knew I was ‘off’, and chatted about it briefly via email during the course of the day. When we were married, he often saw it as his “job” to help me examine my emotions (and ultimately sort them out). He often did this by “poking” at me — poking and poking until basically until I split open and everything came pouring out.

Last night we were at a welcome back function at my daughters’ school. He could tell by looking at me that my mood still hadn’t improved. That’s when the poking began. He poked at me in a friendly, joking manner, and when I responded with annoyance – he continued to joke and blew it out of proportion.

I felt an old familiar feeling. Part of me saw this as him caring about me and what I was feeling. That was the particular part of me that, on some level, not only enjoyed the “poking” in the past, but looked for it on some level. Thrived and grew stronger because of it.

That familiar feeling was short-lived, however. The swift realization came that although there was a small amount of comfort in that old way of interacting, I’m not that person anymore. The poking only made my mood worse – to the point where I finally had to tell him to back off.

Not only is this not his job anymore, it’s not anyone’s job. My mental, emotional and spiritual health, growth and healing is my responsibility alone. Sure it’s nice to have a little help and support along the way from the people who care about me, but beyond that, it’s all up to me.It’s no one’s job to make me see or feel certain things. And last night a big part of me deeply resented what my ex was trying to do. Though in his defense, I’m fairly certain that it was merely a subconscious reaction to him being around me in the state that I was. Last night was one of the few times I’ve been emotionally open and honest with him in the last two years. No wonder he fell back into old ways.

Last night was an awesome confirmation of how far I’ve come in the past couple of years. Not only do I not need him to help me deal with what I’m feeling, I don’t want him to, either. I’m a big girl — I can take care of myself.

It’s so good to feel that way.

2 Responses

  1. Damn straight you can!! I am glad you are friends with your ex, as I am sure it has been a tough road. But I am MORE happy at how far you have come…that’s awesome. Have a great weekend!

  2. Don’t you love realizations love that?!? It’s so eye-opening!!

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