Nothing Good

I embraced my “Bratty Inner 12-year-old” yesterday. I’m fortunate enough to work in a very casual workplace, so I was able to paint my nails black and wear my Batman t-shirt to work.

It didn’t really help.

I’m feeling weighed down these days. Weighed down by responsibility and uncertainty about the future. I have only a few weeks left at my current job and the job search process is frustrating. I know that I will be okay no matter what for several months if this job ends and I don’t have another one, but that’s not an option I particularly want to exercise. My current job is winding down since I’m leaving in a few weeks, which means that I’m not taking on any new tasks or projects. This leaves me basically taking up space in the office, pecking away at a few regular tasks and listening to conversations about “what’s going to happen after Sunshine leaves”. I will not be missed.

I just wish that I knew what the future held. And not just with the job, either.

Going back to our every-two-week schedule after having seen each other for five weekends in a row (and a lovely vacation in there for good measure!) really makes things more difficult than other with CBG. I’ve gone back to feeling that old familiar ache – something I haven’t felt in a long while. There are times when my body physically aches for him.

And when it does, I feel pissed at myself for letting that happen. We’ve been doing this for almost two years, for Christ’s sake. There is nothing surprising about this. I should have been expecting and preparing for feeling like this, instead of sticking my head in the sand and hoping that it just wasn’t going to happen anymore.

I’m feeling exhausted and angry at The Universe. Where’s my fucking break? Why do I have to keep fighting for this? Why can’t a solution come to us? How much longer am I going to have to keep doing this? I’m tired of being alone most of the time. I’m tired of being on my own pretty much all the time. I’m tired of spending more time missing the man I love than actually being with him. This past weekend CBG commented, “In 10 years our kids will be old enough that a lot more options will be opened up to us.” My stomach hit the floor. TEN YEARS? Seriously? That’s supposed to make me feel better? I felt like I wanted to vomit at the thought of it.

So that’s where I’m at today, kids. Feeling sad, lonely, uncertain, frustrated and empty, and worst of all, angry at myself for feeling that way.

No lectures, please. I’ve been kicking my own ass enough for the last couple of days, thanks.

5 Responses

  1. Totally understandable!
    It has been a long while since i had to look for a job. In my field it is pretty easy I guess. I would say that one fact must be the biggest emotional challenge for you. It no doubt would help to have someone to encourage you, and for you to feel at ease about the prospects.
    Good luck…September is a good time to look for a job becasue many gov organizations adjust their budgets in September, thus enabling more departments to set up new contracts, thus providing private industry with more options.
    Go easy! Life will ease up on you when you accomplish this hurdle…The stress releif you will get when you find employment will fade the other stresses. Right now they are compounding on you.
    Have a good time with your job in the next few weeks, you never know what opportunities may come up there in the future.

  2. How bout a hug then?

    ((squeeze))

  3. Wow…I’m so sorry you’re having a crappy time lately. I know that ache…that loneliness…it SUCKS. If my fiancé couldn’t have moved to me I don’t know what I would have done. B/c of kids I can’t live more than 30 mins from my ex husband. Joint custody wouldn’t work if I did. He would have fought me in court over it and as hard as it is when I see the kids doing so well having both parents in their lives all the time I feel a little proud we’re making it work. But if that meant I couldn’t have had my love too I would be really freakin’ down. I understand. You’re not alone. Sometimes things just aren’t fair. Feel how you need to feel and know you *WILL* get that break. I feel certain of it!!

  4. I’m with T – group hug?! XO!

  5. Count me in on the group hug!

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