Trust, Insecurity and Long Distance Relationships

Okay. Let me start this post off by saying that I realize what a complete hypocrite I am. So no need to point it out – I am fully aware of my flaws and failings. This post is just me putting this out there so that I am being totally honest with my thoughts and feelings.

* * * * *

So during our nightly phone call last night, CBG tells me that on Tuesday night, he’s getting together with an “old girlfriend” for coffee. She’s very recently married and was in town and wanted to get together.

Huh.

To be perfectly honest, the conversation left me feeling just a little “weird”. I’m not sure exactly why. I guess that the idea of CBG going out with another women, even just for an innocent “for old times’ sake coffee date” poked at my insecurity a little bit.

The thing is, CBG has NEVER given me a reason not to trust him in this department. And what’s more, he’s been more than willing to pony up in the trust department when it comes to similar things with me. For a while there, my friend ‘Dimples’ and I were hanging out pretty regularly. Last summer I hung out a couple of times with ‘Guacamole Boy’. Hell – recently I’ve even had a couple of late-night conversations with my ex (including wine on one occasion). Last week I went out with an old (male) university friend who was back in town for dinner and a couple of beers. All the while, CBG has expressed nothing but complete trust in me. Intellectually, I know that he deserves nothing less than the exact same in return.

Emotionally, it’s a bit of a different story.

It’s not like I’m completely freaked and I’m running all sorts of scenarios in my head about “what MIGHT happen”. It’s not like that. It’s more like a little insecurity button has gotten pressed. Suddenly I’m just not feeling quite good enough. It’s not like I think that this newly married woman is going to “steal him away” from me or anything like that. It’s more like a part of me worries that maybe he’s going to see something in her that’s lacking in me. Maybe this old girlfriend will somehow remind him of what he might be missing out on by being with me. After all – we all have our own unique strengths and weaknesses.

The physical distance between CBG and I makes it all the worse – I might feel a lot more secure if he were coming home at the end of the evening to me. I guess because of the distance I still feel like I’m a disposable part of his life. The life that we have isn’t “together”. We each have our own separate lives, and those lives just get to come together every now and again. It’s difficult not to feel “disposable”.

Yeesh….I don’t even know if I’m making sense anymore, frankly.

Obviously, the issue here is with me and my own insecurity. It’s gotten triggered and now I have to figure out a way to work it out. I don’t want to spend the rest of today and this evening with this weighing on my mind…and I don’t want this to get in the way of things with CBG and I having a good, solid relationship. Because there’s really nothing more unattractive than an insecure girlfriend.

12 Responses

  1. I would be insecure if my long distance boyfriend told me he was meeting up with an ex! But I think you are over thinking things. But that’s the natural nature of a woman. I don’t think you have anything to worry about because he told you, so I think its safe to say he has loves and respects you. And I think its also proof that he has no plans except for catching up with an old friend.

    As for your “disposable” speech the only thing I can say is there is a reason he’s with you and not with her. Her weaknesses must have out weighed her strengths, and so far he loves your strengths.

    So just sit back and wait for his phone call after his coffee date 😉

  2. I soooo get how you are feeling and you explained it perfectly. I have no advice because I would have completely acted like a psycho girlfriend, so you are miles ahead of me.
    But what I can say from an outsiders perspective (sisnce I am great at giving advice, just not following it) is that you are doing exactly the right thing. You are admiting that it is about you and that he deserves the same respect as you get and want, you are getting your feelings out and trying to process them in a healthy way. It is a learning experience that I am sure CBG will try to help you through.
    I think this could be a huge step forward in your growth if you work through it with the help of CBG!

  3. I would be freaking out myself…and I think it’s the distance that would make it so easy for me to freak out. I wouldn’t love it if we were close in distance and he went out with an ex but I think I’d feel slightly better then…hard to say. I think you’re trusting him is a good thing…very important in a relationship. You should tell him of your feelings (if you haven’t) and let him help you work through it. Then…run it out and see if that helps you feel better!!

  4. My man sees his high school sweetheart a couple times a year. She lives 10 hours away and comes specifically to see him. I was jealous of their relationship at first, when they would talk on the phone for hours when we first were together. Once I met her and her husband and her family and understood the connection they had to each other, I am now very good friends with her. We stayed at her house last time we went to her city. She is awesome, and a great friend for my man. I feel silly for being insecure in the first place, but for me, I need to meet people to understand the connections they have with people. Otherwsie it is just my imagination! Even though he told me over and over she was a friend, I didn’t understand becasue I am not great friends with any of my ex-boyfriends. I think you will get past the insecurity, you just have to have faith that he will tell her all about you, and how happy you make him…That’s a nice story to imagine!

  5. I love how you worked through this. I would feel the same too. My worst fears are triggered because I’m long distance. I often wonder if he would rather meet someone local… so yeah, I get this.

    Just remember to breathe…

  6. I love how you put the caveat at the top of your post – because I would do the same thing for fear of those reading to think I was being a hypocrite (when it’s like no duh, I know that…) – and it lends to the post I had on writing for myself…you are doing that here, and I bet you could even go a step further with it, but I totally get it as well, it’s a natural reaction no matter how rock-solid your relationship is. Most would be lying if they denied it.

  7. […] The rest is here: Trust, Insecurity and Long Distance Relationships « Sunshine on My … […]

  8. I’ve been there and, like you, I wish I hadn’t. I guess if you know you are doing it, you are well on the way to overcoming it.

  9. […] Read the original:  Trust, Insecurity and Long Distance Relationships « Sunshine on My … […]

  10. […] Trust, Insecurity and Long Distance Relationships « Sunshine on My Shoulder […]

  11. My boyfriend and I are doing distance too, and he is very much trustworthy, but has meet a girl at work that he has become friends with, and they go out occasionally for happy hour and hang out on weekends. He is a very particular person when it comes to friends, and he works at the Census Bureau, so he has expressed that normal, interesting people, who do not have a kids, are few and far between. Like you, I completely trust him, and I also logically understand exactly where he is coming from in wanting to hang out with her and have a fun social life in DC, but, also like you, it does make me feel off. The best way I can describe it is just “off”. I don’t consider myself supremely insecure, but long distance has a really nifty way of bring out every little insecurity….

  12. Thank u fr th post.my boyfriend and i are also in the long distance relationship.i need to know ways of overcoming insecurity and hw to continue in trusting him like th way i used to.

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