CBG and I had an interesting weekend.
Now don’t get me wrong. It was fabulous in all of the ways that it’s always fabulous…and in the way that we both needed it to be fabulous. We relaxed. We laughed. We got our freak on. It was the kind of weekend that we really needed.
Saturday night, however, I had far too much on my mind. I was doing exactly what I try so very hard NOT to do – I was missing CBG while we were still together. I was feeling overwhelmed about the future and the fact that we’re going to be continuing with this way of life indefinitely. I was looking so far down the road that I couldn’t enjoy the present moment.
I fell asleep in CBG’s arms. At some point during the night, I decided that there was no way I could keep doing this. I had to end it.
I woke up on Sunday morning, feeling defensive and prickly. I was pulling away from him.
I surreptitiously packed up everything that I keep in “my” drawer at his house. I wasn’t coming back. I just had to find a way to tell him. I made mention of going home on the earlier bus, rather than sticking with the original plan to stay the entire day.
He didn’t let me get away with it for long.
“I feel like you’re pushing me away.”
Um…yeah…of course I was. All it took was him opening the door to me like that, and we started talking. I realized that I was pushing all of my fear of the unknown in my life in general into a little ball and pointing it directly at our relationship.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’ve got lots of reasons to be scared of what our future may or may not hold. But what I was doing was completely unrealistic and totally unfair. I carry a lot of fear when it comes to uncertainty of the future. Most of the time I keep it in check, but there are times when I can’t hold back the flood any longer and it comes flooding out. Sunday was one of those days. Lucky for me, CBG was there with me. He listened. He let me shed my tears. He held me and allowed me to simply “be”. He didn’t make any grand promises about the future or say anything unrealistic. He just let me be myself and let me know that it was perfectly reasonable to be feeling the way that I was. He was exactly what I needed him to be, in the moment that I needed him to be it. After an afternoon of talking and snuggling together, the fears began to melt away to more reasonable levels.
I didn’t tell him that I’d packed everything up. Later, when he was in the other room, I put several things back into “my” drawer. Of course I’ll be back. How can I give up on a man that is exactly what I need in my life? A man who loves me about as close to perfectly as any person ever has?
The simple answer is – I can’t. Seems like I just need to entertain the thought now and again to remind myself of how great I actually have it. I’m lucky enough to have a man who is comfortable with me letting my “crazy” show.