Five years ago (hell, even two years ago), Sunshine wasn’t a very self-reliant kind of person. Now, part of this had to do with the dynamics of my marriage, but a great deal of it was about me.
I simply wasn’t a very strong person. Or rather, I chose to rely on the strength of others, rather than finding my own. Much of that fell to my exhusband. One of the best things that has come from separating from my husband and making my way on my own is finding out that I am, indeed, stronger than I ever thought possible. I don’t need to lean on someone else all the time – or even a lot of the time. I can turn to myself, dig deep, and find what I need inside.
A good example of this happened just this past Friday morning. I went to bed thinking on Thursday night that I was going to get up in the morning and go for a nice long run. I’m back on the running bandwagon in a big way, so getting out there is something that I really look forward to.
Friday morning I woke up and looked at the clock. 5:30 am. I knew it was the perfect time for me to be getting up, but my bed was sucking me in…it felt so warm and comfy and the last thing I really wanted to be doing was throwing on my running clothes and heading out the door. I laid there for a while, in silent battle with myself. Three years ago I would have relied on my exhusband to pep talk me out the door. He always seemed to know the right things to say to me. He had this special ability to hit all of my buttons to help encourage me to do something that I didn’t necessarily want to do, but knew was good for me.
(Yeah…I *totally* ended up resenting him for it. But that’s another blog post for another day…)
On Friday morning I knew that if I didn’t get myself out there for that run, I would regret it all weekend long. So I hauled ass out of bed. I threw on my running gear. I hit the streets. I felt tired and sluggish…because all I could think about was the fact that I did NOT want to be out there.
And then…something clicked. I realized that the only person who is going to get me out there, doing those things for myself that I need to do is me. I have no “big strong man” there who is going to tell me what’s best and encourage me every step of the way. Sure, I’ve got CBG, who is wonderful and supportive, but he leaves my stuff to me – the way that it should be.
Suddenly, I felt lighter than air. I completed my run with a smile on my face…knowing that it was my strength carrying me along, and that I was doing it only for me.
It was the best feeling in the world.