Looking for the Brakes

As I’ve whined about recently, life is rushing forward at an incredible pace. I feel like I’m locked in a car that is going out of control – I have a little bit of control over the direction it takes, but for the life of me I can’t seem to find the brakes.

I find myself in avoidance mode, dreaming about things which can not be – either never, or not until some unnamed point down the road. I dream about how much easier life would be if I had CBG here with me, just from a practical perspective, never mind the mental and emotional support he could better provide if we lived together. It would mean so much to me just to have someone who could help with the girls and the housework.I dream about finding the perfect stay-at-home job that would allow me to be around more for the girls – picking them up after school every single day, instead of having to send them off with babysitters. I dream about winning the lottery (which I don’t even play, I might add) so that I didn’t have to work at all, could be around for my girls all the time, and commuting back and forth to make a life with CBG would be made significantly easier.

This tendency to dream and avoid prevents me from focusing on what needs to be dealt with right now. It’s a problem. I disappear into my head and my hopes and pretend reality away, if even just for a little while.

The reality of my life right now, however, is that I am rushing…all the time.  I rush at home to make sure I get all of the practical things done. I am always behind. I rush to work and home every day. I rush to cook dinner. Even my thoughts rush around. It’s like there’s a racketball game going on inside my brain – thoughts bouncing around all of the time.

I don’t know how to slow any of this down. I can’t find the brakes. If I could, I would stop the world, just for a little while.  I would get organized, get caught up on my sleep and spend a selfishly indulgent amount of time with the girls and CBG. But for now, I’m still trapped inside that car with no brakes. I guess at this point all I can do is make sure my seatbelt is buckled and hang on for dear life.

3 Responses

  1. I do the same thing lately. I know there are a couple of things I can do (that I haven’t done yet) that will help, namely: meal plan, so I don’t have to rush around at night; do any dinner prep I can in the morning before leaving for work; iron clothes for the week on Sunday night; etc etc. I confess I’m not big on housework, but B loves to help me clean anyway, so it works out.

  2. Yes, planning does help. I did that when I initially went back to work and it helped me sooo much to feel like I was no longer losing my mind. I think I daydream more when I’m overwhelmed too. You’ll sort it out soon and then feel like you can conquer the world again!

  3. I had this feeling recently. It was over the winter/spring. It was a freighting feeling. I wanted to scream at everyone around me to stop. Because it was everyone else around me that was rushing and I was just getting pushed along in the ride. Then I actually had to stop. I had to stop for almost 2 months when I became pretty seriously ill. I forgot to listen to my body during this rushing phase and all “hell” broke loose when I did stop. Stopping made me appreciate so much. Now I’m back on the track again but going at my own pace, my own speed, stopping when necessary and telling others to “bug” off if they try to make me go faster or slower.

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