Yesterday was a holiday here in Canada, and both the ex and I had the day off. We each wanted to spend time with the girls, so I had them with me for the morning, and he had them all afternoon until just after dinner. This left me with a whole afternoon to do as I pleased. I went for a run, tidied the apartment, and just spent some time vegging out. It was great…some very much-needed time to simply re-charge my batteries and spend some time alone.

I also spent some time with my journal, something that I haven’t made time for in a long time.

I found myself writing about negativity…and my tendency to go back to that mindset, time and time again.

I’m better than I used to be, for sure. I used to believe, deep down, that I didn’t deserve to be happy. I used to think that there was something terribly flawed about me, and that if people saw that, they would abandon me.

And then….it happened. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy. When I was going through the break-up with my ex, I was messed up. Royally messed up. I made a lot of bad choices and it took me a long time to figure out how to help myself…and then actually do what needed to be done. During this time, I lost a lot of people from my life. People who decided, for whatever reason, that they no longer wanted to be a part of my life.

So many nights I fell asleep thinking – they saw how damaged I am, and they can’t love me. I’m unlovable.

But the thing is, it didn’t happen with everyone. I have some wonderful friends who stuck by me throughout this difficult time. Friends who continued to love me despite the fact that they may not have understood my choices or agreed with my course of action. Going to therapy helped me to see how strong I am….that I faced my biggest fear – abandonment – and I came out the other side. Stronger than before.

But even now, though I finally believe that I deserve happiness  and good things in my life, I still struggle with actually doing those things that I need to do to ensure it. I know what makes me happy. I know what sustains and fulfills me. I know what keeps my happy feelings flowing. And I don’t always do them.

Conversely, I also know what drags me down and makes me feel terrible….and still some days I feel myself drawn toward “the dark side”.

I’m still figuring out exactly why that is.  Why do I not always do what I need to do to keep the happiness and joy flowing? Why does it seem like sometimes I actually seek out that which drags me down and leaved me feeling less than fantastic?

I know that figuring out the ‘why’ behind it is a big piece of the puzzle. If I realize why I do this, then maybe, just maybe, I can kick this self-defeating behaviour to the curb once and for all.

6 Responses

  1. I’m working on that as well. It’s easy to go back to the negativity/feeling sorry for myself/etc. I fight with myself all the time and remind myself that I have it SO good now compared to the past. It’s hard and it takes work but eventually I know it wont take as much effort. *HUGS*

  2. Moments alone to reflect are when the greatest discoveries can be made.

  3. I am really liking your blog…. For so long, I thought it was “just me” who felt these things. I call them “stinkin’ thinkin'” but I still have these moments…

  4. Wow, Sunshine I really feel the same way sometimes!!

    I told BLT that the only thing I’m really scared of is that he’ll wake up one day and say, “damn, she’s so not worth it.” and leave.

    My life is messy, complicated, loud, frantic, and sometimes plain old sad. But it’s also fun, silly, love filled, spontanious, and filled with adventure. I have to have faith that he’ll be more impressed by the good stuff, than scared off by the bad stuff.

    Man, that faith thing can be tough!!

  5. […] immediately thought of yesterday’s blog post. I realized that my issue is less about me being attracted to negative things, and way more about […]

  6. I think ALL OF US believe somewhere inside that we are unlovable. It is not only you.

    And you are right, facing that fear of it definitely makes you realize that it is not true. You faced the worst of it and saw that you were STILL lovable.

    That is a beautiful thing.

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