The Many Faces of Sunshine

Last night I hung out with a girlfriend. We talked about everything from exhusbands to our kids to current sex lives. All over a bottle of red wine.

I made it home and as I crawled into bed, I found myself thinking about how compartmentalized my life is. I wrote recently about how the whole long distance relationship thing is like living a double life. And it is. Some days I am acutely aware of the difference between “Relationship Sunshine” and “Independent Sunshine”.  It’s more than that too, though. Because on top of that, there’s “Single Momma Sunshine” and just “Single Sunshine”.

Which Sunshine I am depends on the day.

I hate it. I hate living my life in bits and pieces like this, never feeling like a complete person. The ironic part is that when I was married, particularly during the last couple of years, I felt like I was living a double life. There was the person I was presenting to the world, vs. the person that I really was on the inside.

At least I don’t feel like THAT anymore.

But I am acutely aware of the fact that I feel like there is no consistency and continuity in my life. My life feels like a jumbled-up mess, and I’m not in control of any of it. I share 50/50 custody with my ex, so I can’t be more of a mom than I am. I can’t be more single, independent Sunshine, either – not that I would want to, because I certainly don’t. I get more than enough of that. And because of where things stand with CBG and his life, I’ve got a good long time before I get to be “Relationship Sunshine” on any kind of consistent basis.

I woke up this morning feeling deeply resentful of my life and everything that I am forced to endure in order to keep it working.

Why does this has to be such a struggle?

8 Responses

  1. Because sometimes IT JUST IS.

    I’ve woken up like that on many mornings myself. Yesterday, I actually made myself practice awareness.

    “Right now, I am getting in the shower. I am turning on the hot water. I am grateful for hot water. I am grateful for this natural soap I am using. I am grateful for the tree that grew the vanilla beans for my natural soap…”

    You get the idea. It did help. But yes, resentment feels very natural to slip into.

    I want happiness to feel just as natural. I know its my choice.

    You’ll get there again soon.

    xxoo

  2. Maybe it’s a struggle because you’re trying to control things you can’t control. Is your life better because of CBG? Maybe life would be easier if you could accept it the way it is for now, enjoy those compartments and what each brings to you – easier said than done, I know.

    • Mandy, I think you’re right…I’m wanting to control things that I simply can’t right now…and it’s making me frustrated. I’m so focused on what I DON’T have that I forget to look at what I DO.

  3. I think everyone has these days. There are some days where I have to hold on one day at a time, even some where I have to struggle to hold on one minute at a time. I may be naieve but I hold out for HOPE of happiness and contentment. And another thing I have learned is “If I do not know what to do, I do NOTHING until I do know…” Otherwise I tend to make bad choices in the moment as opposed to the big picture. I know all to well the powers of resentment.

  4. I think everyone has these days. There are some days where I have to hold on one day at a time, even some where I have to struggle to hold on one minute at a time. I may be naieve but I hold out for HOPE of happiness and contentment. And another thing I have learned is “If I do not know what to do, I do NOTHING until I do know…” Otherwise I tend to make bad choices in the moment as opposed to the big picture. I know all to well the powers of resentment

  5. Like everyone else has said I think it’s normal to have ‘down’ days like this. I’ve been in long distance relationships before they are so hard. I completely understand what you mean when you say it’s like living a double life. Hang in there. Sending hugs your way.

  6. I think we struggle the most when we try to have control over all things, all the time. Some things you just have to let go of.

    You can’t change the past, you can’t please everyone, you won’t always say or do the right thing… facts of life we all know, but they’re hard to accept sometimes.

    I hope you’re feeling more “up” these days than down. This whole single parent gig sure can be hard!!

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