The Birthday

Birthdays used to consistently make me cry.

It started when I was 12. I don’t know what it was exactly. Something about life rushing by too fast, mixed with regrets from the year previous and fear of the year ahead. I used to dread my birthday and feel miserable about it.

Birthdays used to be tough, too, because it seemed like I was always having my expectations crushed. I used to go “all out” for other people, in the hope that they would do the same for me when it came my turn. It always felt “half-assed” and contrived and left me feeling disappointed. I turned that on myself and decided that meant that it was because I wasn’t worth the effort. It meant there was something flawed in me.

My ex used to stress about my birthdays because he knew how much they meant to me. He routinely disappointed me. I’m sure my birthday attitude made him miserable, too. After all, misery loves company, now doesn’t it?

In recent years I’ve been able to appreciate my birthdays a little more. As I’ve learned how to be comfortable with me – and most of all, learn to love myself – the effort that other people went to (or didn’t) really didn’t matter as much. I simply appreciated the good things for what they were.

Last year on my birthday CBG and I weren’t together. We were talking, though, things were being re-kindled, but we weren’t “there” quite yet. I spent my birthday with my daughters and my family and it was lovely and soul-rejuvenating.

But this year?  Well…this year I cried on my birthday. Again.

It wasn’t what you think, though. This time I cried happy tears. I cried because my wonderful man had spent a long time putting time, thought, and effort into making my birthday extra special….even though I told him that having him here with me was all I wanted or needed. I cried because he gave me 36 gifts…one for each year. I cried because, after 36 years on this earth, I finally have someone who knows, instinctively, exactly how to love me. He exceeded every expectation I’ve ever had for a birthday. I could feel his love right down to my very bones.

I cried my happy little tears of love and utter gratitude…because I don’t know what I did to ever deserve him, but I know it must have been something pretty freaking terrific.

I can say without reservation that it was the best birthday I’ve ever had.

2 Responses

  1. Hooray!

    Here’s to you and CBG. You deserve to be loved like this.

    And CBG? Thank *you* for showing the world that there are still some good guys out there! 🙂

  2. Aw. Yay. 🙂

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