Forgiveness is a tough one for me. I find myself thinking about this a lot lately, particularly with the re-emergence of my exhusband into my life.

I have allowed myself to be open to the idea of forgiving him, for so many past hurts. For being controlling and manipulating. For utterly destroying my sense of self and my self-esteem. For acting superior. For tearing away my community of friends. Hell….even for removing from me my one last safe refuge – this very blog. He admitted that he’s known about the location. He’s shared the knowledge of it with others. Copies of my words have been made to use against me should there ever be a “custody battle”. Words that apparently point to me being “crazy”.

I call bullshit on all of that. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I know that forgiveness is about letting go so that I am no longer controlled by the words and actions of someone else. I understand, too, that only I am in control of my reactions and my emotions. No one can “make” me feel a certain way.

And still, it is hard.

Because how do you forgive someone that you don’t trust? A person who, through their own words and actions have made themselves untrustworthy?

This is a difficult road that I find myself on. Because as much as I want to give him a big fat “fuck you”, I can’t – because he is the father of my children, and a person I will forever be connected to for that reason.

I just want to get on with my life…and have him get on with his. And while I can’t control his choices in life, I certainly can control my own.

And so I choose forgiveness. Not for him. Never, ever for him…but for me. For me and our two beautiful daughters who deserve to have the best that they can in this messed up situation. I hope that those people reading this, who don’t belong here – you know who you are – will choose to do the same. I wish you no harm. I wish  my exhusband no harm. I am simply searching for happiness in healthier places, and sincerely hope that he will do the same.

4 Responses

  1. Amen.

  2. 1. Happy Birthday!! It’s a bit early, but better early than I get busy and forget.

    2. I’ll say an extra little “head/ass removal” prayer for you. I have faith in your ability to get it all going in the right direction in time 😛

    3. Distance isn’t always bad, especially when it makes you really appreciate it when you can be in contact again. Don’t assume it’s a negative thing, just a phase in your relationship that will pass into something else soon.

  3. I’m sorry for your pain, but proud of your progress… Forgiveness is very difficult if not impossible for me. I cannot forgive unless someone asks for forgiveness. Peace.

  4. i’ve been reading your blog for over a year now, but rarely comment. forgiveness is something i am constantly struggling with. my husband did me horrible, horrible wrongs while we were together. today i came across this quote:

    “Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past.”

    looking at it that way makes me feel a little bit better about moving forward in forgiveness.

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