The ex and I talked a while ago about the fact that our daughters had mentioned recently wanting to spend time all together – all four of us.

Today we decided to bite the bullet and do just that.

It’s been  mentally and emotionally exhausting week in terms of my ex – having long email conversations about past hurts, being honest and upfront our feelings and how we can improve things between us to make our co-parenting better. I wasn’t sure what to expect from today’s playdate to be honest. Up until about a month ago, he’s been nothing but angry, arrogant, condescending and downright rude sometimes. He’s definitely improved lately – to the point where it has left me holding out hope for our future together as parents.

Today was…fine. We all went to the local hands-on science museum for a couple of hours. It was a place we used to go to fairly often together as a family, and I will admit that the experience was a bit “weird”. But there was an ease there that I haven’t felt with him in a very long time. Also – for the first time in our relationship together, I felt no pressure to “be” or “perform” or do anything other than simply be who I am.

I have nothing to prove to him anymore.

I was also very aware of a growing gap between us, as I continue to shed my old “Sunshine suit” and grow a completely different new one. I’m not the same person that I was when we first met. I’m not the same person that I was when we split up, either. It’s weird, though…I realized today, being with him, that I could easily slip back into that old role…of depending too much on him, of letting him “take the lead”. It’s a whole lot easier that way…to just let someone else be in charge of my life. And considering the rough week that I’ve had, having someone else there to carry me through it is awfully tempting indeed.

But sitting here, tonight, I realize that I’m so much better off for being on my own. Of course, I have CBG (and am very grateful that I do!) but our relationship is markedly different. He holds my hand as I go through the tough parts of life…but he never carries me. And ultimately I know that is a much, much better thing.

Seeing where I could be, right now, today, vs. where I actually am was an excellent exercise to help me appreciate my life as it is. Because all things considered, it really is a pretty good thing.

6 Responses

  1. very interesting. im at my own cross roads myself. = ) glad to see you are appreciating the person you are now!

  2. Wow. What a gift you gave your children – all of you together. But it must have been so hard. I’m glad it went well in the end, and that you feel so good about yourself and about who you are (even around him) now. Yay!

  3. Happy Mother’s Day, Sunshine!

    The conversations with the ex…yes, the processing and reprocessing of going through those is EXHAUSTING! I will say this, however–they may help you and CBG draw closer together because you are shedding the past and overcoming so much of it. I’ve been divorced nearly 6 years now. Every year, I feel less held down by that particular relationship, and that ex and I have had a LOT of conversations.

    I hope that you find your peace within and with your ex. Much love.

  4. I don’t know. I like being carried sometimes. But it has always been my choice whether I want him to carry me or just hold my hand.

    Great Post girl!

  5. I can totally relate. My ex right now is trying to plead his case – as in he wants another chance. I already gave him two, and refuse to do a third – it would be too much on me, and even moreso on the girls. I’ll admit though, sometimes it’s tempting: I mean, he was my first true true love. And when he was sober, and things were good, our family was incredible. And those are the days I miss.. a lot. I remind myself though of WHY we’re where we’re at.. and that definitely helps put me back on track.

  6. wow, bravo! I applaud you.

    Not only because I have a five year restraining order against my X, but just because I think he’s a psycho… I will NEVER, EVER, EVER be in the same room with him again. With luck, no closer than the court ordered football field.

    however, since your ex isn’t a total nut job I think it’s good that you develope a cordial relashionship with him for your kids sake. It has to be hard and I think you’re very brave!

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