I’ve been struggling with forgiveness lately. Specifically, forgiveness when it comes to my exhusband. We`ve had a rocky and difficult road these past couple of years. Lately there have been some developments in my life (the re-emergence of a person that I believed to be gone forever) that has dredged up remnant emotions and unresolved issues when it comes to my ex.

I have realized that there is still a lot of anger and resentment there. Anger and resentment that I once felt guilty for feeling, but am now willing to accept that they are well deserved. Anger and resentment that I didn’t properly process and deal with the first time around.

And so here I am. Angry and not sure what to do about it. I know part of it is to simply acknowledge that my feelings are legitimate and allow myself to feel them. That’s a tough one for me to do, because I know that doing so will cause problems in our co-parenting relationship. This past weekend I found myself more angry than I should have been over a relatively small issue. I quickly realized that the anger I was feeling had very little to do with the actual incident and way more to do with unresolved anger over other things.

I guess I’m just worried that once I fully allow the anger that it’s going to grow bigger than I can manage.

But to not deal with it means that anger will eventually be turned on myself and result in further depression. I’m a long way from that right now, but I can see where things can lead that way.

I need to deal with this in a productive way. I need to learn to fully forgive my ex so that he and I can be the most effective co-parents that we can be. The point I keep getting hung up on is the fact that, in my opinion, he really doesn’t deserve it. He hasn’t earned it.

I know, I know. Forgiveness isn’t about the person being forgiven, I know that. I need to forgive him for myself, so that I am truly free of the control he has over me. I need to forgive him for the sake of my girls, so that he and I are able to do right by them.

Forgiveness is likely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do…but I know that I can. I have learned to forgive people who have damaged me far more than my ex has. And if I can do it for those people, then logically I should be able to forgive him, too.

The difference is, I’m not yet at the point where I even want to forgive him.

And so I ask myself: What’s up with that?

It’s one more thing that I need to figure out in this whole process…

4 Responses

  1. Yeah… you kinda have no choice in figuring this out… for your sake and the sake of your daughters.

    They are exes for a reason, ya know? But because they will be in your life as long as you have children together, it is imperative to forgive. He’s earned forgiveness by staying true to those little girls, hasn’t he?

    Its tough. You know we can all relate to this. Perhaps writing it all down in a letter that you may or may not give to him will help. Let it all come out, free style, through anger, tears and other emotions you may feel. FEEL it, don’t fight it. Go with the flow. (and gimme, gimme, gimme one more for the road! – sorry I started channeling some Def Leppard there…)


    Anyway, you know fighting it or denying it will make it last longer. You’ve gotta face this one head on sweetie.


    You got this.

  2. Forgiveness is very hard – and for me, my ability to have closure and forgiveness for my ex was when he told me he made a mistake…as sick as that may sound, that’s when I forgave him, because it took a lot for him to say that, and it gave me closure because it sort of made me realize it wasn’t truly “me” after all. I don’t have much advice to give, though, to be honest, but to say that everyone forgives in their own way and their own time, and here’s a quote that I’ve tucked away and read every once in awhile when I struggle with forgiveness –

    If you want to see the brave, look at those who can forgive.

  3. This one’s a toughie for me. I couldn’t care less about the stuff that was said and done to me. It’s the stuff that is done to my son that fuels that fire still. I am still so angry, every time he breaks a promise, or ignores his son. Truthfully the small stuff doesn’t bother me anymore (the “I’ll call you tomorrow night” and the call never comes-type stuff). It’s the canceling of visits (which is a huge deal, when he only sees him every 3 or 4 months, and because the boy has autism) and the caring more about having to pay child support than actually talking to or seeing his son. This Mama Bear has a hard time seeing him hurt our child over and over, and finding it REALLY hard to forgive that.

  4. Girl, if you aren’t ready you can’t force it.

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