You DON’T Complete Me

So I’ve been thinking a lot about codependence lately.

Specificially how it related to my marriage  and how it doesn’t apply to my current relationship with CBG.

With my exhusband, so much of the time, I didn’t know where he ended and I began. We were like two threads woven together into a blanket. We were intertwined, inseparable. Tug on one of us and the blanket becomes entirely unravelled.

I used to think that this was what relationships were about. I wanted a partner who made me happy in all areas of my life. I wanted someone who completed me and made me whole….because I wasn’t whole on my own. His likes and dislikes were MY likes and dislikes. His priorities in life became MY priorities. His hopes and dreams became MY hopes and dreams.

You get the idea. When I ran that marathon a few years ago, I’m not sure who wanted it more – me or him. He had a vision of life for me, for us, and he expected me to share it. Of course, I was more than happy to adopt all of those hopes as dreams as my own, being the codependent approval addict that I was.

With CBG, it is entirely different. We are more like two squares of a patchwork quilt. We are strongly attached to one another, but we are each separate individuals on our own.  With him I am strong, whole and independent. We each have our own individual hopes, dreams and goals – in addition to the ones that we share together. We have our own separate likes and dislikes. We don’t feel the need to “make” the other person the same. We are happy and comfortable with our differences – they’re part of what makes our relationship so fun and interesting.

We are two individuals sharing a life together.

This scared me a lot at first. I mean…it was so different to what I’d experienced in my marriage. My ex was basically my sole confidante. He was the person I turned to for everything – for comfort, for working out my issues, for reassurance, for praise, for support…my world revolved around him….and for a long time I thought that was what relationships were supposed to be. In the last couple of years I’ve learned something important – my world needs to revolve around me. I don’t mean that in the narcissistic way, either. I simply mean that I need to be the most significant, most important person in my own life. I need to love myself first, so I can love others as well. I need to take care of  myself, so I can use that strength and knowledge to share with others.

It’s still kind of a new concept for me. I’m still learning. Sometimes I still stumble. I have moments when I feel frustrated with CBG because he’s “not supportive enough”. When I take a moment to look at those times, the reality is that he’s really just “not being codependent”. There’s a HUGE difference there. Because you know what? He’s always got my back. He’s always behind me in my hopes, dreams, and goals. He’s always there to listen when I’ve had a bad day. What he’s not there to do is to carry me when I don’t feel like carrying myself. And ya know what? That’s how it’s supposed to be.

CBG doesn’t complete me….I complete myself. After almost 36 years on this planet, I’ve finally reached that place. And it feels better than I ever imagined that it would.

5 Responses

  1. It’s nice when you find someone which give you the space to be yourself. Enjoy it.

  2. That’s a really good way of putting it – I agree with you completely, I feel my marriage was a dependence thing for me (probably codependence with my ex, really) and now, I am sharing the same viewpoint in that I make ME happy and complete ME, not depending on someone else to make me happy but to just add to that happiness – and it sounds like CBG is just that for you…love it.

  3. Wow! Some very deep and intricate thoughts! I’m so happy that you have found an inner peace about this. It took me about the same amount of time to figure this whole thing out myself! Maybe it’s an ‘over 30’ thing! LOL

  4. Yes. I always hated that line from Jerry McGuire. The Man and I are almost 20 years apart, and do not share identical tastes in music, among other things, and it’s OK. One of the things that bugged the crap out of me about my ex-husband was climbing into the car and being forced to listen to some new track that he loved (and I hated) because he so desperately needed me to like it. It was torture!! And having to defend a differing opinion on a movie? Way to ruin a date night with your spouse.

    The thing I am loving right now, is that The Man and I are stretching each others’ comfort zones, trying new things together, sharing interests, without depending on the other person liking those new things. It’s really fun!

  5. I love this. I wrote something similar myself. It is different and it does take some adjusting. Its all part of growing up, isn’t it?

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