…by the light of the moon…

When I was a little girl I loved it when the silvery moonlight would shine in through my bedroom window. It was magic – bringing me an indescribable, secret joy as it laid across my bed. I loved especially when it shone on some part of my body, illuminating my skin. If it could shine down on my face, all the better. I would often re-position myself on my bed – crosswise, head-to-foot, whatever it took for the glow of the full or nearly-full moon to shine down on me.

I never told anyone that I did that. It was my own special magical secret. It wasn’t an “on-purpose secret” – it was just one of those things that I did without giving it a whole lot of thought. It was something just for me.

As the years went by and I matured, I stopped my little ritual. I’m not sure when, or why. Maybe it was when I stopped having faith or believing in miracles. Maybe it was simply a by-product of growing up.

Looking back over my life, I knew myself better at 18 than I did at 30. I met my exhusband when I was 24, and what followed were 10 years of codependence and a life that completely revolved around being the person that I thought he wanted me to be. I made some important strides in those years, such as acknowledging my childhood abuse and recovering from an eating disorder. Those two things are huge, and despite the myriad problems in our relationship, he helped me along the path of healing (even if he did carry me too much most of the time).

One of the worst things that happened in my marriage was that I lost so much of myself. Sure, there were little glimpses of “me” here and there, but for the most part, I was living for others. Living for approval and validation. Living so that I would be accepted and loved, because I was made to believe (and allowed myself to believe) that was the only way to live. I lost my “me-ness” along the way. Maybe it began when I was a child and stopped sleeping by the light of the moon – I don’t know. All I do know is that by the time I left my marriage, I felt like a hollow shell of a person.

Fast forward to about a year ago, during the three months that CBG and I were apart. I was going through a particularly rough time, mentally and emotionally. Dumped by CBG, still mourning the ending of marriage, trying desperately to fight my way up out of a depression, having conflict with friends and trying to adjust to my new life as a single mom.  As I crawled beneath the blankets late one night, I noticed a silver stream of light across my bed. I parted the curtains to see a gorgeous full moon smiling down at me, flooding my bed with its perfect light. I had a sudden memory of all those times that I’d fallen asleep as a child, bathed in that same silver moonlight. Memories that had been tossed by the wayside but were suddenly found once again.

I got into bed and scrunched myself up into a happy little ball so that the moonlight could shine down on my face as I fell asleep smiling, content. For the first time in a very long time.

It was in that moment that I knew, without a doubt, that I was going to be okay.

The other night when I went to bed it was there again – the beautiful moon, my constant friend. I smiled as I pulled back the curtains to allow the light to enter my room and shine down on me. I thought back to all the times over the past year I’ve engaged in this same ritual, and the feelings of peace and contentment it always brings me. This piece of “me-ness” that I’d found again, after having lost it for so long. I’ve had many ups and downs over the past year, but throughout it all, the one thing that I’ve always known, deep down, was that I was going to be okay. Some nights that knowledge was a little deeper than others, but it is always there – an inner strength that I had forgotten existed.

And it was that moon that told me so.

6 Responses

  1. These words spring peace and contentment … like a song. I used to think the sun and moon followed me.

  2. wow, this was a beautiful post. I could feel myself right there under the moon, too. what a great comparison to being okay, I love this!

  3. I followed over here from a post by Debbie…and was suprised and moved by this. I have so…so been there. The agony of the loss of a marriage, of a decade of your life…is matched only by the discovery of the horrific loss of self.

    I am remarried now….to a man who bought me a 7 foot tall easel within weeks of meeting me. I used to paint…and hadn’t for 15 years. He believed in me.

    5 years later, my work hangs in several galleries and I have the most lovely studio. Follow your moonlight, trust your instincts…and believe in yourself.

  4. I love this post! And I can totally relate. For 6 years my life was all about my ex. How to make him happy. How to make our relationship last. I was going to make us last forever, no matter what.. and that included losing who I was.

    Now? I am EMBRACING who I am. And I swear I will never sacrifice ME again. Every woman should be like this.. it would make for much less self destruction.

  5. I love this. Love this SO much. I love la luna too!

  6. I love this, I used to do the same things.

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