Trying to Breathe

I made an important realization tonight.

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately…about how I am finally in a place where I truly feel happy. Of course I don’t feel happy all the time and I don’t feel happy with every little thing about my life, but in the overall, grand-scheme-of-things, I finally feel like I have reached a place of peace and true happiness…even despite the bumps in life’s road that I occasionally have to conquer.

It’s been a long, hard fight to get here, too. I faced many personal demons. I battled depression and anxiety. I left my husband. I lost most of my community of friends. I have struggled with being a single mom and raising my girls. I have had to learn how to support my family. I’ve looked deep inside myself and examined the darkest parts inside of me. I’ve rebuilt my life – from scratch – starting over from practically nothing.

It’s not a path I recommend. But I have realized that sometimes it’s necessary. Because sitting here, where I am, today, I know that I deserve the happiness that I am feeling, because I have fought hard and looked deep to find it.

So what’s the problem?

I realized tonight that there is still a part of me that is holding my breath. A part that worries that something will happen and this happiness will be snatched away from me, through factors that are out of my control. I haven’t always been a terrific person. Maybe karma will catch up with me and this goodness, these wonderful things that I have in my life will all be taken away.

But one thing I do know is this: I cannot live in fear.

Fear is a debilitating emotion…one that has held me in place in life more times than not. I can’t allow it to take over here…because if I do, then the happiness and good things that I have in my life now will all be wasted. I’ll be too buried in anxiety to enjoy them. And I’ll be damned if I let that happen.

And so tonight I took a moment to just breathe…and let the happiness wash over me. I don’t know what the future holds…but that’s no reason why I have to let it ruin my present.

One Response

  1. This is a great post about living in the present and remembering to do so.

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