Giving Away My Power

I’ll be honest, folks – I’m still not doing great.

I’ve been sitting here, trying to figure out a way to write about this, to express how I’m feeling, but everything I write comes out as whining bullshit. I mean shit, if *I’M* sick of this, then I’m sure everyone else is, too.

On the advice of my friend Dimples, I’m doing some re-reading of A New Earth, particularly the chapter on The Pain-Body. I laid in bed last night, re-reading these words, nodding my head in agreement. I know that I need to acknowledge what I’m feeling right now, without allowing it to affect my emotions. That is easier said than done, because of course the pain-body wants me to continue with the sorrow, keep the drama moving, and drag as many people down with me as possible.

I am giving away my power. I am giving it away to sorrow. I am giving it to the sadness inside me. I am handing it over to people who have caused me hurt over the years. I have a whole list of those people in my head, even. I am saving nothing for myself. No wonder I feel so powerless, impotent. I’ve been handing over every ounce of goodness and strength that I have in me. Giving it over to the darkness, and happy to do so, because my pain-body is running the show.

What is the answer?

The answer is consciousness, awareness, living in the moment. It is taking the reigns once again. It is no longer giving away my power – to my pain-body, to my own sorrow, to other people. It is being kind to myself on the one hand, yet pulling my socks and giving myself a kick in the ass on the other.

Today I gather up every bit of strength I have and push forward. Continuing on like this is not an option.

5 Responses

  1. Everyday is an uphill battle not to give into the urge to start crying & never stop. How do you deal with it? It’s gotten so bad with me, I can’t even pick up a book to read anymore.

    • When I reached the point that you described, I got professional help. What I realized about medication, though, is that it’s not a “magic answer”. All it did was help me to get out of bed so that I could do the things that I needed to do in order to get better. I needed that help in order to treat myself with love and kindness so I could heal.

      And obviously, I’m still not 100% of the way there, yet.

      Please, I hope you reach out to someone and get some help with this. I know how it feels to be where you are. It’s a lonely and frightening place. But you’re not alone, and you deserve so much better than that.

      Feel free to email me anytime, okay?

      *hugs*

  2. I think your answer (below) is a good one…I support you.

    The answer is consciousness, awareness, living in the moment. It is taking the reigns once again. It is no longer giving away my power – to my pain-body, to my own sorrow, to other people. It is being kind to myself on the one hand, yet pulling my socks and giving myself a kick in the ass on the other.

  3. For me the pain comes from knowing that I don’t have the power to fix all my own problems. This is so acutely humiliating.

    I can’t afford all the debt left to me when the X went to prison. I can’t give my kids all the things they want, I can barely give them what they need. I can’t force my BLT to make a move north to be with me. I can’t force my former inlaws to stop their behavior… you get the idea, so many things I can’t fix.

    I’ve given up so much of myself, I don’t know how I’ll ever get it back. But it’s worth trying. The pain and the stress and even the disappointment is all worth it if I can come out of this with some of my self respect back.

    Keep pushing forward. It’s worth all this heartache, I’m sure of it.

    • One thing that helps me tremendously is to keep reminding myself, over and over again, that I have NO control over other people’s thoughts and actions. The only thing that I can control is me….everyone else has to be left to their own judgment, their own decisions, their own choices. Letting go of that is tough, but it certainly helps with the sanity levels.

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