I went to bed last night, after an exhausting night’s conversation with CBG. I laid there in the dark and asked The Universe to show me the way.
When I woke up this morning, the message echoing in my head was loud and clear:
The only obstacle to my happiness is me.
I got geared up and went for a run. It was a beautiful morning. Cold, crisp and dark. I stepped outside and took everything in. The city lights glittered at me. I took a slow, deep breath and offered up thanks. Thanks for the beautiful morning. Thanks for the inspiration to go out for a run. Thanks for a man who loves me with everything that he has.
When I am in my darkest moments, the first thing that I forget is that happiness is a choice. My own happiness is always the first thing that I seem to let go of. I have no idea why that is…but what I do know is that is has to stop.
So many times in the last year of my life, I have held happiness firmly in the palm of my hand. I have been on top of the world, knowing that I have it all figured out. And then…it slips away. It slips away because I let it go. I let it go when I listen too much to my own fear and guilt. I let it go when I give in to overthinking. I let it go when I focus too much on the uncertainty of the future.
I lost my grip again the last couple of days. The worst thing is that in the process, I seem to have knocked it out of CBG’s own hand, as well. When one is drowning they always grab onto the person closest to them, don’t they?
It boils down to faith. I’ve always struggled with having faith and hanging onto it. It’s hard to have faith when happiness can be such an elusive thing. My faith was deeply shaken this week. But this morning, post-run, I realize that I need to go out there and find it. It’s probably hanging out with happiness somewhere, having a beer.
The bar’s closed, ladies – it’s time to come back where you belong.