Emptiness

It’s turning out to be an empty week.

The first week after I’ve seen CBG are always difficult.  Empty arms. Empty bed.

This week my girls are away with their dad on vacation. Empty home.

I’m on a special project at my job right now, and am spending the week holed up in a government office doing research by myself. It’s not difficult work, just very repetitive, nothing that I have to think about very much. Empty brain.

Empty arms + empty bed + empty home + empty brain = too much opportunity to think, overthink and fill up the spaces with unwanted things.

Those unwanted things anger, worry, stress, anxiety and guilt. My mind is in overdrive.

I spend my days thinking about the finances, my priorities in life, the girls, CBG, my ex, the past, the present, the future. I feel unsettled and unhappy. It’s easy to talk myself out of where I’m at right now. I replay things over and over again in my head. My brain tells me that I’ve been an idiot for ignoring this for so long.

My heart is off hiding in the corner, a little too weak right now to state her case.

And so I fold up into myself, again, because that’s my protective mechanism when the world seems to be spinning a little too fast. That’s the “old Sunshine” talking, I know it. I just don’t know if the “new Sunshine” has what it takes to stay behind the driver’s wheel. She’s been tested a lot in the last little while. I know that I need to fill that emptiness up with good things. I’ve done it before, even.

But today? Well, today I’m just not feeling that strong.

Some days weeks are going to be like that.

7 Responses

  1. Yeah, it stinks, but some days are like that. Tomorrow (next week?) will be better. I know you won’t forget how much you are loved. HUGS.

  2. These are times when you just have to take time to meditate – breathe and try to allow your mind to be still, without any thoughts, and just feel. All of your thoughts are overpowering you and stripping you of your confidence and focus. You must put your hands up and surrender. Only then will you find some peace.

  3. Love you. xo

  4. those are the days I go to the movies, rent movies, make pizza for myself, clean out cupboards and closets and organize, merely to “keep moving” until things feel better…it fills me in a way when I feel empty, being productive like that. Hope things feel better

  5. Wow…are you my long lost soul sister Sunshine? I just left my BLT two states away on Sunday and I too have empty arms and a heavy heart. I too am working this week on a repetitive project that has given me too much time to agonize over the should have, could have, wish I never moments in my life. I wish I had magical words of wisdom but I don’t. All I have to offer is understanding and to tell you that you’re not alone. From one empty mom to another…here’s a hug for you.

  6. Sunshine, today was supposed to be a sunny day! A new day! Reaching out to you with a virtual hug. 🙂

  7. Yes, stillness…. find your faith girl. Outside of everything else, find your FAITH.

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