Pulling at the Light

After having such a great day yesterday, it was a little disheartening to realize this morning that I was feeling lonely and just generally let down by life a little bit. Not one of those terrible “black days” or anything, but just a general feeling of dissatisfaction.

While my girls were having some video time, I sat down with my journal to try and work through some of it. I wrote about how I confuse “allowing” my bad moods with “wallowing” in them. There’s a difference, I know this. I just tend to forget.

I wrote my frustration at not being able to hold the darkness at bay permanently, that it always seems to seep in when I don’t have my guard up. Then again, it seeps in even when I do have my guard up.

What the hell?

And then, a voice from outside reminded me of The Secret. I watched it recently. Say what you want about it, I am firmly convinced that there’s something to this whole concept of positive thinking and the Law of Attraction. The little voice inside me reminded me that whatever we pay attention to, good or bad, we attract into our lives. It does no good to try and push the bad stuff away. The act of paying attention to it only attracts it to us even more.

Then I thought about my therapist, who told me once that it doesn’t do any good to try and push the negative thoughts about yourself away. The only thing you can do is work to build up good memories and experiences to, in effect, “prove the negativity wrong”.

Trying to push the darkness away is the wrong approach. Wallowing in it does no good. I realized what I need to do is acknowledge it, as a very legitimate part of who I am and how I’m feeling on a particular day, and then turn away from it. Turn away from it and pull at the light.

And that’s exactly what I did this afternoon. I set aside those feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction, and turned toward my girls. We worked on some Valentines for some of the special people we know. We packed up our stuff and headed off to the pool. We swam and played and giggled. I could feel the darkness receding. Sitting here now, only hours later, it’s almost difficult to remember that lonely feeling I woke up with.

I feel like I’ve made some kind of major breakthrough here.

I know that every day isn’t going to be perfect. I was victorious over my black mood today. Next week, I might not be so lucky. The important thing is, I know, without a doubt, that it can be done. And it can be done by me – all on my own – with only a few encouraging words from the outside.

And dammit, if I can do it once, then I can do it again. A million times, if need be. I will respect the darkness as a part of myself, but I will continue to pull at the light with every ounce of strength that I have.

Because I am so very, very worth it.

8 Responses

  1. Glad to hear that the day was much improved. I often have days like this and find that they often happen when my kids are away. It is a very frustrated feeling, I can feel my mood change, I know that I shut my self off from others and there are times I have a hard time shaking that feeling. It does go away but it would be nice to have the strenth to stop it early on rather then spending a weekend in bed as you say wallowing in the darkness.

  2. Grammy awards on at 9 pm-yahoo!

  3. I love this blog. It’s so true – even after seemingly defeating negative thoughts and feelings, it only takes one comment or situation to bring it all back- the feelings, the memories- but if we’re prepared with an arsenal of “light” that we an turn to, it can completely transform the day.

    Love it!

  4. What a good idea I should have trued that today.

  5. Well said….and I can completely relate to this.

  6. You *are* worth it.

    By complete coincidence, I just finished writing a post that has a similar topic. I guess there’s a lot of this kind of fun going around.

    When you embrace (and pull at) the light, you’re not only making your own life a little brighter… you’re helping to brighten the world a little bit, too.

    Keep pulling, Momma Sunshine!

  7. I have to remind myself of this every day. I am listening to the Law of Attraction in my car daily and I have the “Secret” too.
    We just need to keep at it and I believe that it will all fall into place when we least expect it.

  8. So right – it’s not wallowing, it’s about feeling it, not holding them in because you feel you have to. I’m learning that every day, I can’t hold in my feelings, even if they are of self-pity or sadness or whatever. They are legitimate feelings and the only way to get past them is to feel them and learn from them.

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