Balancing Act

It’s been a rough couple of days in Momma Sunshine’s world.

Harsh words have been spoken. Tears have been shed. There’s been a lot of thinking, overthinking, introspection and soul-searching.

I’ve come to realize that after a decade of being in a codependent relationship, learning how to function in a “healthy” one is a whole lot harder than I possibly imagined.

It’s difficult sometimes to figure out what is a ‘normal’, healthy need, and what is outside the realm of what should be expected from one’s partner. My ex was supportive to the point that there were many, many times that he was carrying me through life. My ex was supportive to a fault. I ended up resenting him for basically doing what I begged him to do at times. For doing for me what I was unable to do for myself.

What I really need is someone to walk beside me and hold my hand, as I carry myself through life. Which is what CBG does, always. The ironic part is that I caught myself resenting him a little bit for doing exactly that. Go figure.

The thing is, I am determined, now, to make my own way through life. To hold myself up when times get tough. To lean on others only when it is appropriate, and only as much as is appropriate. I recognize the error of my previous ways. That codependent, needy person I once was is not the person that I want to be ever again.

It’s a balancing act, and I haven’t gotten it right just yet.

The good news? I’m trying. Slowly but surely, I am working it out. It requires a lot of trial-and-error.

The best news of all? I have a man who is loving and patient enough to stick by me while I figure it all out.

As long as I have those two things, I know for sure that I will, ultimately, be just fine. More than fine, in fact. I will be fabulous.

9 Responses

  1. Well, you already are fabulous. Its just that you keep forgetting you are.

    🙂

    Live and learn, right? I’m right there with ya!

    Love you!

  2. Once again, I could have written this myself. My ex was more like a parent, calling the shots because I preffered it that way. And I resented him for it at the same time. Since moving out, I’ve had a lot of growing up to do. But I’m stronger and wiser for it.
    Good for you for choosing the challenging path of releasing the codependent habits and making your own way. It’s scary, but worth it.

    • It *IS* scary…but as I continue to push past the fear when it comes up, there’s always something good waiting for me on the other side. I just have keep reminding myself of that. 🙂

  3. I am right there with you too. Living and trying to grown and learn.
    I think that makes us great.

  4. Unlearning takes more time and more effort than new learning, I believe. At least you ARE now…and that has allowed you to have and to be with a man who CAN walk beside you through it all. You are feeding a healthy, new form of living. Good for you, Sunshine. Your daughters will gain from it, too.

  5. Following the end of my unhealthy 10 year marriage (16 year relationship) I found myself quickly in another relationship. It wasn’t unhealthy but it wasn’t where I needed to be. After he broke my heart and my belief in myself was at it’s lowest I did what I should have done all along and walked away. The best thing that I ever did to find out what a healthy relationship felt like was to be in one with myself. I dated myself for over a year. It was a passionate whirlwind relationship that’s made my subsequent relationships so much better. I now know without a doubt what makes me happy and I know that I don’t need anyone else to give that to me because I can be that for myself. It takes the pressure off people who I’m in relationships with and it makes me soooo much stronger and more balanced than I’ve ever been in my life.

    • Thanks for this. 🙂 I think you’re absolutely right.

      CBG and I did go through a period last winter where we were broken up for almost 3 months. I know that’s not a long time, but during that time, I learned a lot about myself, and my own happiness. It gave me just that much more time to heal that I didn’t have when my marriage first ended.

      In an ideal world, I would have had a whole lot longer to “recover” from my marriage before beginning another relationship, but for me, it didn’t happen that way. Slowly but surely I’m learning while I’m in this relationship with CBG. I am very fortuante to have such a patient and loving man by my side….

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