The End

I had a horrifying nightmare on Wednesday night.

I don’t remember the details leading up to it, but I found myself on some kind of mass transportation system (a bus, I believe) with a  bunch of other people. There was some kind of explosion, I think, and then came the realization: I’m going to die.

Everything began to fade to white, and then it hit me: This is it. There is nothing after this. When I’m dead, I’m gone.

I woke up sweating, panicked and terrified, and worst of all . . . alone.

Alone. Again. That seems to be a common theme. Whatthefucksupwiththat anyhow, Universe, hm?

And then last night? An emotionally charged, upsetting conversation with CBG. It ended on a bad note and now I feel myself curling up inside myself, away from him, for the first time in months.

Both of these things are very harsh reminders of how much the distance sucks. And I know that this is no newsflash for anyone here, least of all me, but every once in a while I feel like I’m being sucker punched in the gut with reality…usually when I least expect it.

9 Responses

  1. Great… and I read this just as I’m about to go to sleep.


    You know what this means, though, right? I mean, it’s pretty obvious:

    Avoid public transportation.

    (Or sleep. One of the two.)

    • Sorry about that. I’ve been plagued with nightmares (less now, thankfully) since my separation. Just my brain working through some stuff, some of it pretty traumatic. The good news is…I’m getting there.

      Now I’m off to take the bus to work this morning. Whee. Or not.

  2. Oh honey, I’m so sorry. Hang in there. It’s not ever easy to deal with the distance. It’s not even all that much easier when the person you love so much is nearby. The realtionship stuff is rough, after divorce especially, but it gets easier with time.

    I need to remember these words I type to you as I am still struggling through learning to love and trust again.


  3. I feel the same way and have had dreams that have left me feeling so frightened of being alone…tough stuff.

    I’m sorry about your battle with nightmares. I am more at peace now than before, but once in a while something enters my dreams to haunt me.

    Enjoy your weekend–Happy Friday!

    Be well, Momma Sunshine.

  4. I’ve been having lots of Soldier dreams lately. So… I know how dreams affect.

    And the distance…


    I think with all of the self-analysis and dreams lately, I’m feeling pretty alone too. Not to mention that Rascal has been very unusually busy this week. I feel rather disconnected myself.

    I’m heading back to see him tonight and hoping for a reconnect. Hoping and yeah…

    Well, hugs to you honey. Days like this suck.

  5. I’m sorry. Arguments suck period!

  6. I, too, have the most vivid and upsetting/unsettling dreams. With the ex husband, used to dream of him cheating on me over and over again. No need for Freud there. And man it would stay with me, wreck me completely.

    Sorry you’re going through this. Know that you aren’t alone.

  7. I hear you. It’s amazing how that dark stuff comes us in dreams, it happens over here, too. I sure hope you can surround yourself with some good friends right now. What Nicki says: you are not alone.

  8. There are no guarantees in anything, least of all relationships – near or long distance. But if its on solid ground, it can work even across the miles. But you know that.

    Nightmares and fears are part of everyone’s reality, including fears of being alone – whether there’s someone in bed with you every night or not.

    But I empathize.

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