The first day of school looms closer. Kiddo is super excited to go, but I have to admit that I am terrified. I know that she’ll be okay, she’s just that kind of kid, but I have so many worries and anxieties regardless. Some of my biggest being that the experience of public school is going to change her in negative ways. I realize that it will have an effect on her, it will help to mould and shape who she is, but there are so many good things about her that I really hope don’t get lost.
I realized last night, when my ex was dropping off the girls to me for the night, that sometimes I really miss having him there as a friend. For our entire decade together, he was my closest confidante. He was my best friend. He was the person that I worked through all of my doubts and fears with.
While I am doing okay with leaning on other support systems (and learning to rely on myself) when it comes to my own personal problems and those things closest to me, one thing I do miss is having my ex to talk to when it comes to those matters that affect our children in such deep and profound ways – like Kiddo going off to school in a couple of weeks. I know that I have CBG there to talk to about what’s happening and how I’m feeling about it, but since these are my kids, not his, he’s naturally just not as emotionally invested in them (which is perfectly fine with me, btw). My ex is the only one who could likely even come close to understanding what I’m feeling right now in terms of our girls – because likely he’s got some of the same fears and concerns as I do. He’s the only other person who knows them and loves them as much as I do.
It would just be really nice right now to be told that everything’s going to be okay. To have someone remind me of how resilient my daughter is. To tell me that I’m a good mother and that it shows in what wonderful little humans my daughters are. I need some reassurance, I guess.
Unfortunately, my ex and I don’t have the kind of relationship right now where we’re able to discuss those matters. I understand his desire for emotional space, and I realize that realistically that’s not a role we’re ever likely to fill for the other at this point, what with everything that’s come to pass between the two of us. But when I’m being completely honest with myself, I realize that I miss it. A lot sometimes. It would just be good to talk to someone who can really relate to what I’m feeling right now. It would be really good to feel like I have an ally in this matter…because my girls are so very important to me – as I know that they are for him, too. He’s a good dad, and I feel very fortunate that my girls are so blessed to have such a loving and involved father. I just miss his friendship and parenting support sometimes, I guess. But it’s one of those losses that comes with divorce, I guess.
This single motherhood thing is really tough sometimes. Today is one of those really difficult days, I guess.
I think there may still be a little grieving left to do.