I am constantly reminded, it seems, of how quickly life can change.
Today I find myself thinking back to exactly one year ago today.
I spent the day with the same group of friends that I’d been spending every Canada day with for 10 years. I was still with my husband. I was struggling with depression, treating it with anti-depressants that were keeping me functional, but I had little idea of how to make it truly better. I was working hard to keep myself in the life that I felt I “should” be in. I was going through the motions. I was smiling wide and cramming my dissatisfaction down as deeply and as quickly as I could.
I guess it should be no surprise that eventually it all came flooding out of me. Looking back over the past few years of my life, it only made sense that I went down the road that I did. Given the circumstances of my life and the way that I was feeling, it was inevitable.
Now, one year later, I am slowly building the life that I want. I am re-structuring my life. Ninety-five percent of the people that I spent the day with, just one year ago, are no longer a part of my life. Instead of being sad about it, I have accepted that this is the path I am meant to be on. I am content that The Universe is taking me exactly where I need to go. Part of what got me into trouble over this past year was fighting so hard against that. Now that I am going with the flow and focusing on being grateful for what I am given, not only is life going so much better, but I am happier with it than I ever thought I would be.
It took me giving up the illusion of control, giving up my attempts to manipulate my world, and just appreciating what I have to finally get what would truly make me happy. I was trying too hard to find it before. I was desperately searching…when all I needed to do was sit back and allow happiness to find me. That’s something I’ve realized about happiness…sometimes you’re so busy out there looking for it, that you miss it altogether.
THIS is what I will remind myself of when life gets tough again. Because I’m sure it will – that’s just what happens sometimes. And when it does, I need to remember that although I may not always understand the ‘whys’ of life, all will become clear, given enough time.
I had absolutely no idea, one year ago, that it would be my last Canada Day spent together with my ex husband and daughters and community of friends. This year, I am at CBG’s place, alone, while he is at work for today. There is something strangely satisfying about this for me. I’m alone, but I don’t feel lonely at all. I’m filled with happiness and love and and contentment and joy. All of these things found me…in a way that I had no idea that they would. And for that, I offer up my thanks to The Universe, yet again, for providing me with what I wanted most in this world…even though it wasn’t in the way that I’d ever expected it.
Filed under: CBG, depression, figuring stuff out, finding me, friends, gratitude, happiness, me stuff, optimism, spirituality, The "L" Word, the ex, the girls, the Universe Tagged: | dating, depression, friends, gratitude, happiness, life, long distance relationship, love, relationships, singlemom, spirituality