I’ve been in love before, you know.
Twice before, as a matter of fact. The first one was the boy I met when I first went off to school when I was 18. We met and fell in love. It was the innocent kind of love that only 18 year olds can share. We had an intense relationship, mainly due to the fact that we discovered he had testicular cancer, requiring two surgeries and a couple of rounds of chemotherapy. I loved him so enough to sit beside him while he vomited his insides out from the chemo. I loved him enough talk him through all of his fears and his depression and all the other shit that came along with having cancer at 18.
We stayed together for six and a half years.
In the end, it boiled down to the fact that we had no idea how to have a healthy relationship. That, and the fact that we were each very different people at 24 than we were at 18. It ultimately ended up being okay. I firmly believe that we’d been each other’s lives for a reason, and once that reason was over, we began drifting apart…and stayed together for longer that we should have, only because we didn’t know any better.
The second one was my ex husband. I fell fast and hard for him when I was 24 years old…on the brink of breaking up with my other boyfriend. I loved him a lot. We had a very good relationship in a lot of areas….but there were some things about our relationship (and each other) that got ignored for a very, very long time. By the time we attempted “clean up”, I was drowning in depression and quite simply, the task seemed too great. I’d reached the point that while I still loved him…I was no longer in love with him…and realized that I hadn’t been for quite some time.
And I no longer had the energy to fight for us….because it was going to require a whole lot of work. I didn’t have it in me at the time.
The good news is that I’ve learned a lot from him, from our marriage, from that whole experience. I am extremely grateful to him for the 10 years that we had together. I grew a lot as a person during that time, and I know that I have him to thank for a lot of it. I do feel, though, that ending things was for the best. I just wish it could have happened in a less messy way…for the both of us.
I guess that’s one of those “live and learn” things.
Which brings me to present day…to CBG .
For those of you who don’t know the back story, we met online last November. I’d been reading his blog for months (after finding it through a mutual friend). I’d always read it and think, “Wow…he seems so sweet. I hope some lucky lady snatches him up and makes him as happy as he deserves to be.”
I had no idea it was going to be me.
One day on a whim I sent him a friend request on Facebook. What came after that was something that is difficult to describe. I have never felt such an instant “click” with someone. A person that I connected with on so many levels.
That first night, we chatted until 1:00 in the morning…the only thing that stopped us then was work the next morning. I couldn’t get my mind off him….he was so unlike any other person that I’d ever met. We talked about anything and everything. I laughed until my cheeks hurt and my sides ached. It was absolutely exhilarating.
The one single drawback was that he lived three hours away. The thing is, we didn’t let that stop us. We knew that we had something there between us that we wanted to experience more.
The chatting continued for a couple of weeks until we decided that an in-person meeting was necessary. CBG does a great (and thorough!) job of recapping our first epic day-long date if you want to check it out.
It went on for three more months. Three months of seeing each other somewhere between every two to four weeks or so. That part was hard. What made it even harder was that I was going through a lot of personal issues of my own at the time, on top of dealing with being in a long distance relationship. Issues with my ex, issues with friends, issues with sorting out my life and getting myself together. In so many ways, the timing really wasn’t right for CBG and I to be together. But still…because of what we knew that we had together, we kept moving forward.
Then February came. I’m not going to go into a whole lot of details about what happened, but things fell apart. Things fell apart between us, and I was heartbroken about it.
The worst part of all was that in the process, we made it so much harder than it needed to be for one another. Harder and so much more painful. We ended up hurting each other in ways that no two people who love each other ever should.
I knew that I’d lost something special. I spent the next three months working through it all. Working through anger and disappointment and heartache and grief and sorrow. I tried dating. I kept looking for someone that I had that “immediate click” with.
I couldn’t find it.
It’s impossible to find a replacement for someone that you still haven’t let go of. I wasn’t under any illusions. I knew that things hadn’t been perfect between the two of us…but the things that were good were VERY VERY good – were better than anything I’d ever experienced with anyone else before. I wanted to find that again.
The truth is…I still wanted him.
…………………….to be continued……………………
Filed under: dating, figuring stuff out, finding me, gratitude, happiness, optimism, The "L" Word, the ex | Tagged: dating, happiness, life, long distance relationship, love, relationships, singlemom |