Tomorrow (Thursday) I turn 35.
This is my first birthday since being separated. It will be my first birthday not having a romantic partner in my whole entire adult life.
Birthdays have always been a bit of a loaded issue for me. The first time I ever cried on my birthday was the year I turned 12 years old. I cried when I turned 12 – mourning the loss of my childhood, terrified of what the unknown future held in store for me.
Since that year, it seems as though I’ve always dreaded my birthdays. I began to turn that around the year I turned 30, when I threw myself a big ‘ol birthday party (knowing that only *I* could “do it up” the way I wanted). Still, it’s been hard. As with many other things, I used that day as a way to gauge other people’s feelings for me. If they didn’t put enough effort into making my day special, then that meant I wasn’t worth it. It seemed like I was always being let down by one person or another when it came to my birthday.
This year I decided that I wanted to spend my birthday with my family. I have been reconnecting with my family in the last few months and decided that were was nothing that I would rather be doing on my birthday than spending it surrounded by family. Today the girls and I are headed out of town and will be staying with my mom until Sunday. I am looking forward to escaping the city for a few days, being taken care of by my momma, enjoying the quiet of the country, eating good food, hanging with my family, and most of all, just escaping my life for a few days.
Although I promised myself that I wasn’t going to write about this, I’ve been talking to T a bit the last few days. He’s been on my mind a lot, actually. I’m not sure what to say about the whole thing, really. A lot of emotions have been dredged up in the last couple of days – not all of them necessarily bad ones. The good news is that I am feeling strong and secure in myself, so having these feelings come up now is ok — I can handle them.
I’m just not entirely sure what to do with them at this point.
I’m hoping that having a few days offline will help me to sort some things out for myself. I’m taking my running shoes and have plans to get out there on the road a couple of times. My body has been screaming out for it.
I am looking forward to spending the next few days just simply relaxing, enjoying my girls and my family, breathing in the country air, and appreciating everything that life has to offer me. I have no expectations other than that….and for that reason, I think it will be a great few days.
Happy Birthday to Me!