It’s been a while since I’ve updated on what’s been happening with me lately. I’m not sure that there’s anyone left reading this thing that really even cares anymore. I’ve been thinking long and hard about shutting this blog down for a while now; I haven’t been feeling a lot of inspiration to write lately, to be honest. Or if I do feel inspired I lack the time and energy to sit down and actually write anything. I miss the days when I used to feel excitement at sitting down at the computer and putting out there what was on my mind. I’m a lot more guarded lately, I guess…worrying about the people who have access to this thing, whether they’re actually reading it or not is a whole other story.
Spoiler alert: they’re likely not.
I started a new job last week. Something very different from what I had been doing. Something that seems will be a job that will allow me to move on and move up, as long as I work hard and stay focused. With the start of week two yesterday I’m feeling like this is both a blessing and a curse. I’m feeling like I’m being dragged out of my comfort zone, kicking and screaming. Which is slightly hilarious, considering this is what I told myself I wanted. I’m learning that “theoretical Momma Sunshine” and “actual Momma Sunshine” are two different people. Theoretical Sunshine is ready and willing to accept any new challenge and jump on board with it. Actual Sunshine is scared to death of change and questions herself at almost every turn.
I know that new jobs come with challenges and that it’s not unexpected that I should feel more than a little uncertain of myself right now. No one ever got anywhere great by just staying where it’s comfortable. I know all of these things. But knowing them and living them are two very different things. And right now, I’m deep in doubting myself and my abilities. I’m questioning my decision to push myself a little harder in terms of my work life. I’m wondering if I was maybe, just maybe, a little bit stupid for thinking that I could actually do this.
Then again, I never DID do well with major life decisions. I always end up being filled with doubt, torturing myself with wondering if I did the right thing. “Actual Sunshine” tends to forget this sometimes.