Solo Weekend

So my weekend with CBG got canceled this time around.

It’s a funny thing. I’d actually said to a friend of mine earlier in the day, via text, that I was half wishing to be able to have a weekend all to myself. Not to sound ungrateful, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how with CBG’s arrival, I’m going to be losing most (if not all) of my alone time that I have come to cherish over the last three and a half years. There’s something about coming home from work to an empty house, eating cheese and crackers over the sink for dinner and watching Golden Girls re-runs in my underpants in silence that makes me appreciate the life that I have built. Part of me is really going to miss that.

Odd, I know.

So while I was disappointed at the last-minute cancellation of our weekend together, I truly wasn’t really that sad at all. I knew that it would be good for me to have a chunk of time alone to just do my thing and appreciate the solitude.

Saturday morning I went to the Farmer’s Market, just as CBG and I always do on our weekends. I went crazy buying market wares — good, fresh veggies, meat, eggs and yogurt for the week ahead. I ran a few more errands on Saturday before I decided to start the packing/purging process. There are only a few weeks until our upcoming move, and up until this point I haven’t done anything.

I spent several hours on Saturday packing and purging and making my load a whole lot lighter. It was pretty significant for me, actually. I’ll have a blog post all about just that sometime later this week, in fact.

Saturday night I curled up with a healthy dinner and movie. I got everything ready that I needed for my long run in the morning, and headed off to bed early. I was out of bed like a shot at 5:00 am on Sunday, eager to get out there for my run.

Most of Sunday morning was taken up with my epic long run. It was awesome. I took photos along the way and texted them to CBG to update him on my progress. He cheered me on the whole way. My own awesome cheering section.

After  my run I packed myself a picnic lunch and headed out to a nearby park.  I had a book…ome music…I chilled out for a while and enjoyed the sun before diving back into more packing. The rest of Sunday was spending packing and purging some more. It felt good.

All in all, the weekend was a wild success. I am still amazed at how much I enjoy being independent and on my own. I spent nearly a decade with my ex husband in which I was anything but independent. These days, I like doing things on my own. I hope to be able to carry that independence into my changing relationship with CBG; I think it will be crucial to my continued happiness in life.

It’s funny. Three years ago I would have been crushed at having to miss a weekend with CBG. Now, it was just “one of those things”. One of those things that I used to my advantage and actually came to enjoy.

The verdict? The solo weekend was a wild success.

Having Faith

I struggle a lot with being  positive and having faith. Sure, I talk a good game, and most of the time I believe what I’m saying, but then every once in a while doubt creeps in and takes over.

I wrestle with Doubt for a little while, and then usually The Universe shows me the way.

It’s difficult having faith when things don’t always go the way that you want or expect them to. I know that there is a reason for this, that something else was meant to be. Sometimes we don’t immediately know why things happen the way that they do; this is where having patience and relying on hindsight is important.

I’m not a patient person. I try. I am successful for a while, and then my patience wears thin and I give up.

I’m struggling with patience and faith right now, despite the fact that what I really need to do is to continue focusing on being grateful and basking in all of the goodness that I have in my life right this moment.

This morning I got up early and headed out for a run, intent on positivity. I focused on gratitude. I counted my many blessings. I visualized my desires. I pep talked myself about the importance of faith and patience.

I returned home at the end of those 13 kilometers in a much better head space than when I went out. Logically I know that things will unfold at their own pace, in due time. I know that The Universe will provide when the time is right. There are always forces at work, even those that we may not be aware of.

These are all the things that I need to remember today.

A Story of an Awesome Guy Who Doesn’t Know Just How Awesome He Is

So there’s this really awesome guy out there. He’s going through a bit of a rough time right now…his world is in a bit of an upheaval.

He’s looking at changing careers, moving to another city, and moving in with his fiancee and her two daughters. Those are  lot of changes that he’s looking at, coming pretty much all at once. He’s getting out of his comfort zone and well…it’s making him uncomfortable. Naturally. It’s not the moving in with his woman that he’s worried about, or even changing cities. It’s the career change that’s got him thrown for a loop.

The reason it’s got him so thrown off is that he’s not at the point where he really believes in himself quite yet. At least not in this particular area. It’s sad that he doesn’t see himself the way that others see him, particularly the lady friend in his life. Because here is the thing. This guy…when he is comfortable and confident in himself and his abilities, lights up the room. People see that light in him and are drawn to it — they’re all looking and admiring and thinking, “Hey! Look at that guy! He’s awesome! I want to be around him!”  They want to be around him in the hope that some of that awesomeness just might rub off on them. When he’s at his best he is intelligent, charming, warm, personable, engaging, friendly, funny, adventuresome, magnetic, motivating and incredibly capable. People want to be around him. Spend five minutes with this guy when he believes in himself and you know that you’re in the presence of someone fantastically awesome. It’s obvious to everyone around him.

He’s never seen that about himself. But his fiancee has. It’s one of the things that attracted her to him in the first place.

Right now he’s in a place where he’s allowing fear to control how he feels about himself. He’s putting a dimmer on that inner light of his and turning it down — way down — because he’s afraid that other people are going to expect too much of him and he won’t be able to deliver. But it’s precisely that approach that’s gotten him to where he is today…a man who, deep down on the inside has never truly discovered the depths of his own strength. He’s never really allowed himself to be challenged like this — not in this area of his life. He fails to really appreciate all of the other areas where he’s been able to meet challenges — like fatherhood, the death of his mother, rebuilding a stronger relationship with his father, maintaining (well!) a long distance relationship for over three and a half years. He has flourished in all of these areas because he has believed in himself.

But if he could just believe in himself — fully — in all areas of his life, then truly, he could do anything he wanted to. Others see that in him too, not just his “biased” fiancee (as he calls her), who, by the way, sees his amazing capabilities despite the fact that she also sees his worst qualities as well. No, he’s not perfect. But fortunately being awesome doesn’t mean being perfect. The great thing about being human is that you get to be imperfectly awesome. Which he is…in so many ways.

He needs to get out of his own way and turn up the brightness on that awesome switch of his and not allow fear to hold him back. There are so many awesome things that are just waiting for him. If he can just figure out how to make fear his bitch, then look out world…there will be no holding him back.

What I Learned Spending Two Days in a Car With My Man

It was an epic weekend for CBG and I, meeting up with our bloggy friends Jobo and T. Good times were had. It was one of those weekends that for me, is going to take a while for it all to sink in before I will be able to properly write about it.

For me, one of the best parts about the weekend was spending two days road-tripping in the car with CBG. That was one of the things I was most looking forward to about the experience beforehand, and it did not disappoint. After spending two days in the car with him, there were a few things that I learned about the two of us. And honestly, these aren’t things that I learned for the first time this weekend, but rather was reminded of.

• We can have fun anywhere, doing anything. It was obvious from the very beginning of our relationship that we are able to have fun doing just about anything, but there’s nothing like spending over 24 hours total in a car to together to really bring that even more to the surface.
• He can make me laugh more than any other person that I have ever met. Sure I’m a fun-loving gal who laughs easily at many things, but CBG literally had me laughing (more than once) so hard that I could.not.breathe. I had at least one of those, sides-aching-can’t-breathe-tears-streaming-down-my-face laughing fits.
• We are awesome vacationers together. We are so similar in so many ways, and how we like to vacation together is just another one of them. Despite the number of hours we spent in the car together there was never a tiff or even a tense moment. It was just good times and laughs the entire way.
• We never run out of conversation topics. There was almost never a lull in the conversation the entire two days. And the few times there was, it was always a warm, comfortable lull that lasted only for a few moments. I’m starting to believe that we really could talk forever.
• We have the exact same sense of humour. In addition to making me laugh like crazy, I was also reminded of how similar our humour is. We were both making the same types of grossly inappropriate jokes and laughing at how funny we are. For the entire two days of travel.
• We really are perfect for one another. Two days in a car showed me, yet again, that the two of us are absolutely made for one another. Once again I’m walking away from this experience loving my man even more now than I did just a few short days ago.

It seems like with every new experience CBG and I share, we get closer and closer to one another, and learn more and more. And with each passing day, each shared experience, every moment together, our love just continues to grow and I am reminded once again how perfect we are for one another.

I Believe in Love

This weekend marks an anniversary of sorts for CBG and I. It’s the anniversary of us getting back together. For those of you may not have been here reading my blog from the start, there is the little twist to our love story. CBG and I got together in early December of 2008. We dated for about three months or so.

And then we broke up.

The reasons for this were complicated; I was too fresh out of my marriage and did not have my act together. CBG allowed fear to rule his own decision-making processes. The simplified version of the story is that together, these two things led to the quick demise of our relationship.

This break up happened despite us still having strong feelings for one another. We both tried moving on with our lives, but we just couldn’t seem to fully let go. And then, three months after breaking up, we began communicating again, and made an impulsive decision to spend a weekend together — no promises, no commitment… just two people spending time together to see how it felt again and what would happen.

And now, three years later, here we are on the cusp of another life-changing time together. I’ve been thinking a lot about our “reunion weekend” three years ago, the weekend that turned out to be a total game-changer for the two of us, helping us re-define our relationship for the better.

What follows is the blog post that I wrote after that fateful weekend together three years ago.

* * * * *

I couldn’t even wait for him to get inside. I saw his car pull in behind my building and I ran out to meet him, breathless, trembling.

It had been almost three months since we’d last seen each other. Three months and an ocean of tears. Three months of lonely nights. Three months of trying to forget about him. Three months of continuing to read his blog posts every single day even after I promised myself that I wouldn’t. Three months of online dating, trying to find someone who would take my mind off a man that I still loved, even though I didn’t want (and tried not) to.

There were more to those three months, though. They were three months of growth and healing. Three months of learning to stand on my own two feet. Three months of learning that I can take care of myself. Three months of learning that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Three months of learning that I could find happiness all on my own.

Things went wrong the first time…on both our parts. There were lessons that needed to be learned – apart. My only wish was that we could have done it without hurting each other so much first.

But all that is behind us now. I felt it the second that he dropped everything that he was carrying to scoop me up in his arms and hug me like a man who was back from the brink of death. All thoughts of “we’ll just wait and see how things go” immediately went out the window. I was in his arms…he was in mine…and that was all that mattered.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. None of us do, really. I can be okay with that…because what we have right here, right now, is enough. I know what love is…and I am intensely grateful for it. Because in the past three days I have felt more love and joy than some people ever get to experience in their lives.

I believe in love because I have seen it in his eyes, tasted it on his lips, felt it in his touch, heard it in his voice.

And even if I never get to feel exactly this way ever again, it will still be enough.

Getting the Message

I truly think that sometimes The Universe tries to tell us things. There are lessons that need to be learned, and dammit, if we don’t learn them, then we end up finding ourselves in the same patterns over and over again in life.

Recently I got thinking about patterns in my own life, specifically my relationship patterns. In my life I’ve had three serious, long-term relationships with three very different men. The first was when I was in University; our relationship lasted 6 years; honestly about 4 years too long. The second was with my ex husband. We were together for a total of 10 years. Some of those years were very good. The last three or so, not so much. The third is CBG. So far we’ve been together for three and a half years, and honestly each year, each week is better than the one before. Hands down the healthiest relationship of all three. We both learned a lot from our failed marriages and are able to put all of those lessons to good use now, together. Together, we are truly magical.

These three men are all very different — in appearance, personality, values, goals…in pretty much all areas. But for some reason I got thinking about one of the things that they all had in common: the fact that they all spent time during the course of our relationships being absent from my life.

My first boyfriend had cancer. It was discovered when our relationship was in its infancy. He was away a lot for the first year of our relationship — recovering from two surgeries, going through chemo. He also lived in a different province than I did and we spent most of our summers apart, since we each went “home” for the summer to work and save money. Even after we reached the stage of being together most of the time I was still left on my own a great deal, since he spent a lot of time working toward his challenging university degree.

I was lonely and miserable.

I met my ex husband online when we were living in different provinces. It took us a while to arrange for him to move to be with me, but we were both young and foolish and there really wasn’t that big of a risk involved. He ended up moving much faster than we originally thought, because of that whole “young and foolish thing” and couldn’t stand being apart. I had never lived alone before and it terrified the pants off me. Shortly after that we moved again — back to his home city (where I still live). Then, even though we were living together, for about a year, early in our relationship, we worked opposite schedules. He had a night job and I worked days…which meant that I spent many an evening alone, pining away.

I was lonely and miserable.

CBG and I have never lived together in the 3 1/2 years we’ve been a couple. I won’t lie — the initial phases of our relationship, the being apart stuff, was tough. As in, so tough that I considered — many, times — calling it off because I couldn’t stand being lonely and miserable. With my girls with their dad half the time and CBG only on the scene a handful of days every month, I struggled with being alone so much. For a good long while, anytime I was alone, I was lonely and miserable.

And then there was a shift. I’m not sure when the shift happened exactly, or even what caused it. But it happened. I made a conscious decision to embrace all aspects of my life, particularly the being alone part. Guess what happened? It got easier. I even learned to love — and deeply value — my independence and my time alone.

CBG is moving here now because we’re ready to share our lives together, not because we can not stand being apart. There is a distinct difference. There is no desperation to have him here to stave off loneliness. We both have a quiet peace about it, because we both know, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is the right thing for us at the right time. We’ve paid our dues. We have earned this.

When I think back to what my relationships have in common — being forced into situations where I spent a lot of time alone — it seems to me that The Universe was sending me a message, loud and clear: Embrace independence. Learn to be on your own. Love spending time with just yourself. I didn’t get the message the first two times. All I could do was feel sorry for myself. This time around I got the message loud and clear…and I daresay, have learned the things I needed to learn.

Thank you, Universe. At least I get the message eventually, right?

Everybody’s Free….to Have Rambling Thoughts

I need to post this every once in a while. Still relevant. In fact, as I get older, it gets even more relevant.

.

So many nuggets of wisdom.

“Don’t worry about the future or worry that know that worrying
Is as affective as trying to solve an algebra equation
By chewing bubble gum
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things
That never crossed your worried mind
The kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday”

* * *

“Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind
The race is long and in the end, it’s only with yourself”

* * *

“Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much
Or berate yourself either
Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s”

* * *

“Do one thing every day that scares you”

* * *

There are a lot of life changes on the horizon in the next while. Good, exciting, scary changes. Changes that give me a thrilling little shiver every time I allow myself to roll them around on my tongue and fully taste them. The wheels are in motion but it will take some time before we’re there.

But damn, I gotta be honest. It’s tough being patient. Even though I know that it’s worth waiting for. Even though the wait is so much shorter than I ever imagined.

Soon, very soon, he will be here. Everything that we’ve endured to reach this point has absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, been worth it.

Life is truly amazing.

The Best Gift Ever

I don’t know if I ever told CBG that when I was younger, I used to cry on my birthday every single year. It began the year I turned 12. I cried for a lot of different reasons, but mostly for two reasons: I was afraid of getting older and I because I was waiting for someone — anyone — to make me feel loved when  I didn’t really love myself all that much.

The crying continued until I was in my mid-twenties. And even though I stopped crying every year, there was always something missing. A feeling. Mainly, a deep desire to be shown love in a certain way that I just couldn’t seem to articulate.

This turned around my first birthday as a single mom. I remember it clearly. CBG and I were on the verge of getting back together after our two and half month break-up, but admittedly I was still cautious and uncertain. I spent my birthday with my family and my girls. I spent my birthday being utterly grateful for all of the good things that I had in my life. On my own. It was the first year that I can say, honestly, I loved myself. I didn’t need a man to complete me. The only thing I needed was my girls and myself.

In the years that have followed, I have since made an effort to ensure that my birthdays were happy days; an opportunity to count my blessings and enjoy the people and the world around me.

CBG was here for the weekend and we made Saturday the official celebration of my birthday. I woke up at 3:30 on Saturday morning, excited to start the day (and get my present!!). At 4:30 I woke CBG because I couldn’t take the suspense any longer. He sat me down and gave me my gift. He’d spent an entire week slaving away on a scrapbook. A scrapbook filled with photos of all of our adventures together over the past three and a half years.

Truly the best birthday gift that anyone has ever given to me. The time, effort, and creativity it took was impressive. The memories he captured made me smile and laugh — and most of all, made me realize what truly wonderful life we’ve had together in the last three years. Even without a lot of money, and with only spending on average 4 or 5 days per month together, we have created so many amazing memories. We have gone on so many adventures. We have done so many things. We have turned everyday outings into special occasions worth remembering.

As I looked through the scrapbook, the tears came. I cried on my birthday for the first time in several years. Tears of happiness, gratitude, joy and love.

Happiness. The thing that I spent so long searching for, that seemed to elude me for so long.  Sure, being with CBG makes me happy. But more importantly than that, I have learned to allow myself to be happy. Our relationship has taught me that there are always ways to be happy, no matter what obstacles or challenges life throws in our way. It has also taught me the difference between on-the-surface “happy”, and deep-down-to-your-very-core, capital-H-”Happy”.

I am happy. And if that’s not the best gift to have on one’s thirty-eighth birthday, I don’t know what is.

Blast From the Past

The other night I got looking through some old posts from a blog that I kept what seemed like a million years ago. It was, in fact, only 3-4 years ago, but so much has happened since then that I feel like an entirely different person.

I came across a post where I wrote about CBG for one of the very first times. It was before we had met in person, during those few weeks after our initial meeting, but before we’d ever been in the same room together. I smiled when I read my words, realizing that even in 3 1/2 years, though our love has grown exponentially, deepened more than I ever imagined and matured into the healthiest relationship I’ve ever known, some things have remained constant from the very beginning.

Here is an excerpt of what I wrote:

“When we “chat” [online], together the two of us are “larger than life”, “over the top”…loving life and having fun together….totally playing off one another, absorbing each other’s positive energy and each of us creating more of our own. We have a great energy together. [CBG] reminds me of all the things that I like about myself, and gives me the opportunity to let those parts out to “play” in the world.”

The same holds true today. We still have that same great energy. We still play off each other like two crazy kids in love. And he still reminds me of all those things that I like AND love about myself. He is a mirror that shows me exactly who I am – without judgment. And I absolutely love the person that I see, both for my weaknesses as well as my strengths.  And even though I know that I have myself to thank for much of that — for all of the hard work I’ve done over the past four years or so, I have CBG to thank for really getting the ball rolling in the right direction, and for showing me the truth of who I am.

CBG…the man who loves me for exactly who I am, flaws and all. The man gives me space to make mistakes and learn from them, as well as reassurance when I need it most.

The man I love…the man I have loved since the very beginning.

The Photo: A Modern Fairytale

Once upon a time, a very sad woman had a very hopeful dream.

It was a dream of a man that she’d never met before, but felt as though she knew. She’d been reading his words for many months; something drew her to him that she couldn’t quite explain. As her world fell down around her, she continued reading his words; a small daily escape from the unhappiness and turmoil around her. A tiny sliver of stability in her otherwise tumultuous life. She smiled at his shared joys; empathized with his struggles; quietly rejoiced in his happiness.

One night, many months after first reading his words, she had a dream about him. She awoke with one of those micro-snippets of memory: just his smiling face and a warm feeling of love, contentment and joy.

On a whim she reached out to him. The sparks flew immediately and there was an instant connection. In the years that followed, as they conquered obstacles and their love grew exponentially, she often thought of that dream. Those feelings of love and belonging aren’t just a dream anymore; they are her happy reality. A reality that gets to be hers forever.

Recently she came upon a photo; a quick snapshot taken while they were on vacation. As she looked at that photo of his smiling, happy face, love and absolute joy exuding from every part of him, she was struck with a sudden realization. The moment that this photo captured was the moment that she had dreamed about all those years prior. A moment that has been over four years in the making.

The photo is everything about that dream that she remembers: the happiness, the light in his eyes, the look of utter adoration on his face. Every time she looks at it her heart skips a beat as she feels those familiar feelings of love, contentment and joy. It makes her smile when she sees it because it is like looking into a mirror — all the love she feels for him is being reflected back. Confirmation, yet again, that this absolutely worth it…that this is the man for her, the man she was meant to meet.

She is exactly where she was always meant to be.