Living Life

So I haven’t been blogging much lately.

It’s definitely not for lack of material; I have a good dozen blog posts swirling around in my head, dying to recorded and unleashed out into the internets. Instead of writing one of them down, however, I’m writing about why I’m not writing much.

‘Cuz that’s how I roll.

The plain and simple truth is…I am happy. I am happy and I am just getting busy with the business of living. CBG has only been here four nights, and honestly, having him here is better than anything I have ever imagined. We are settling into a comfortable, easy, loving domesticity of shared chores, laugh-til-our-sides-ache family dinners, and waking up with a smile next to the warmth of my man every single morning.

Funny how when we’re happy it’s a lot tougher to get down to the business of blogging. I think a lot of people can relate to misery more than they can to overwhelming contentment and happiness, and so part of me feels almost guilty writing about how good life is right now.

But then that voice in the back of my mind pipes up. The voice that reminds me of where I was just four years ago — freshly separated from my husband (though still miserably living under the same roof), struggling with my community of “friends” (who were actively adding to my misery instead of helping), drowning in depression, unemployed, weighed down with self-doubt. I have fought and scratched and worked my way to where I am today. I shouldn’t feel guilty for being here at all — because I have earned it. There have been many, many times in the last four years when I never expected that I would get to where I am today. And now that I am, I intend to enjoy every single moment of it.

Which is why I haven’t been writing about it as much as I would like. I’m far too busy soaking it all in.

I’ll write more soon, I promise. There are too many stories — lovely moments — not to share.

He’s here…

The moment was almost four years in the making. Last night at approximately 8:30 pm, CBG pulled up to the house. Our house.

He’s home.

I think I might just smile forever.

Courage

Someone posted this last night on Facebook, and I couldn’t help but share it here. Because honestly, these last few years, for the first time in a very, very long time, I’m finally feeling like I am that courageous person…being who I truly am. And it just keeps getting better. Every person, every event, even all the struggle and heartbreak have all been learning experiences for me…making me the person that I am today. The person that, overall, is pretty damn fabulous. I like this person that I am.

And you know what? It’s a damn awesome feeling…being courageous enough to finally let this person out to play in the world.

Living Life

There are some things in this world that remind me of how it feels to really be alive. Being up and out the door to see the morning sunrise is one of them. There’s just something about witnessing the dawn of a new day that makes me feel deeply grateful to be alive.

One of the many things that I love about CBG is that he’s just as much of a morning person as I am. So when I suggested on Friday night that we set our Saturday morning alarm for 5:00 so we could get up and watch the sunrise before going to the Farmer’s Market, he was all for it.

His enthusiasm for our little adventures like these always makes me fall in love with him just a little bit more. Because he appreciates that “being alive”‘ feeling in the same way that I do. Yeah, yeah…a little cheesy, I know. But hey, I haven’t posted a lot of mushy stuff lately, so suck it up and deal my friends.

This was our reward for peeling ourselves out of bed at 5:00 am on Saturday morning:

The quiet of the morning, the smell of the salt air, my man by my side. The beating of my heart was almost audible to those around me. So much of my life has been spent trying to fit a certain mold. Please certain people. Be what others wanted or expected me to be. I didn’t like that person very much at all. That person didn’t live — she existed. There is a huge difference between the two.

But now? Now I’m truly alive. I’m reminded of this with every morning sunrise. With every night that I fall asleep with my cheek against CBG’s chest. With every time I fall into a heap of laughter with my girls.

This is living.

Winning at Life

A little Wednesday inspiration.

These days, I’m starting to see (and admit to myself!) just how successful I am. Winning at life. My life. No, it’s not perfect, but dammit, it’s pretty freaking good. And coming from where I’ve been, I’ll take ‘imperfect but pretty freaking good’ any day of the week.

Have I mentioned lately how utterly grateful I am for this life that I have? I think I have, but it bears repeating. The best part of all is that this is  a life I have built myself. From practically nothing at all. That knowledge alone fills me with a deep sense of peace and happiness. And a whole lotta pride.

It is good to be here.

Solo Weekend

So my weekend with CBG got canceled this time around.

It’s a funny thing. I’d actually said to a friend of mine earlier in the day, via text, that I was half wishing to be able to have a weekend all to myself. Not to sound ungrateful, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how with CBG’s arrival, I’m going to be losing most (if not all) of my alone time that I have come to cherish over the last three and a half years. There’s something about coming home from work to an empty house, eating cheese and crackers over the sink for dinner and watching Golden Girls re-runs in my underpants in silence that makes me appreciate the life that I have built. Part of me is really going to miss that.

Odd, I know.

So while I was disappointed at the last-minute cancellation of our weekend together, I truly wasn’t really that sad at all. I knew that it would be good for me to have a chunk of time alone to just do my thing and appreciate the solitude.

Saturday morning I went to the Farmer’s Market, just as CBG and I always do on our weekends. I went crazy buying market wares — good, fresh veggies, meat, eggs and yogurt for the week ahead. I ran a few more errands on Saturday before I decided to start the packing/purging process. There are only a few weeks until our upcoming move, and up until this point I haven’t done anything.

I spent several hours on Saturday packing and purging and making my load a whole lot lighter. It was pretty significant for me, actually. I’ll have a blog post all about just that sometime later this week, in fact.

Saturday night I curled up with a healthy dinner and movie. I got everything ready that I needed for my long run in the morning, and headed off to bed early. I was out of bed like a shot at 5:00 am on Sunday, eager to get out there for my run.

Most of Sunday morning was taken up with my epic long run. It was awesome. I took photos along the way and texted them to CBG to update him on my progress. He cheered me on the whole way. My own awesome cheering section.

After  my run I packed myself a picnic lunch and headed out to a nearby park.  I had a book…ome music…I chilled out for a while and enjoyed the sun before diving back into more packing. The rest of Sunday was spending packing and purging some more. It felt good.

All in all, the weekend was a wild success. I am still amazed at how much I enjoy being independent and on my own. I spent nearly a decade with my ex husband in which I was anything but independent. These days, I like doing things on my own. I hope to be able to carry that independence into my changing relationship with CBG; I think it will be crucial to my continued happiness in life.

It’s funny. Three years ago I would have been crushed at having to miss a weekend with CBG. Now, it was just “one of those things”. One of those things that I used to my advantage and actually came to enjoy.

The verdict? The solo weekend was a wild success.

Having Faith

I struggle a lot with being  positive and having faith. Sure, I talk a good game, and most of the time I believe what I’m saying, but then every once in a while doubt creeps in and takes over.

I wrestle with Doubt for a little while, and then usually The Universe shows me the way.

It’s difficult having faith when things don’t always go the way that you want or expect them to. I know that there is a reason for this, that something else was meant to be. Sometimes we don’t immediately know why things happen the way that they do; this is where having patience and relying on hindsight is important.

I’m not a patient person. I try. I am successful for a while, and then my patience wears thin and I give up.

I’m struggling with patience and faith right now, despite the fact that what I really need to do is to continue focusing on being grateful and basking in all of the goodness that I have in my life right this moment.

This morning I got up early and headed out for a run, intent on positivity. I focused on gratitude. I counted my many blessings. I visualized my desires. I pep talked myself about the importance of faith and patience.

I returned home at the end of those 13 kilometers in a much better head space than when I went out. Logically I know that things will unfold at their own pace, in due time. I know that The Universe will provide when the time is right. There are always forces at work, even those that we may not be aware of.

These are all the things that I need to remember today.

A Story of an Awesome Guy Who Doesn’t Know Just How Awesome He Is

So there’s this really awesome guy out there. He’s going through a bit of a rough time right now…his world is in a bit of an upheaval.

He’s looking at changing careers, moving to another city, and moving in with his fiancee and her two daughters. Those are  lot of changes that he’s looking at, coming pretty much all at once. He’s getting out of his comfort zone and well…it’s making him uncomfortable. Naturally. It’s not the moving in with his woman that he’s worried about, or even changing cities. It’s the career change that’s got him thrown for a loop.

The reason it’s got him so thrown off is that he’s not at the point where he really believes in himself quite yet. At least not in this particular area. It’s sad that he doesn’t see himself the way that others see him, particularly the lady friend in his life. Because here is the thing. This guy…when he is comfortable and confident in himself and his abilities, lights up the room. People see that light in him and are drawn to it — they’re all looking and admiring and thinking, “Hey! Look at that guy! He’s awesome! I want to be around him!”  They want to be around him in the hope that some of that awesomeness just might rub off on them. When he’s at his best he is intelligent, charming, warm, personable, engaging, friendly, funny, adventuresome, magnetic, motivating and incredibly capable. People want to be around him. Spend five minutes with this guy when he believes in himself and you know that you’re in the presence of someone fantastically awesome. It’s obvious to everyone around him.

He’s never seen that about himself. But his fiancee has. It’s one of the things that attracted her to him in the first place.

Right now he’s in a place where he’s allowing fear to control how he feels about himself. He’s putting a dimmer on that inner light of his and turning it down — way down — because he’s afraid that other people are going to expect too much of him and he won’t be able to deliver. But it’s precisely that approach that’s gotten him to where he is today…a man who, deep down on the inside has never truly discovered the depths of his own strength. He’s never really allowed himself to be challenged like this — not in this area of his life. He fails to really appreciate all of the other areas where he’s been able to meet challenges — like fatherhood, the death of his mother, rebuilding a stronger relationship with his father, maintaining (well!) a long distance relationship for over three and a half years. He has flourished in all of these areas because he has believed in himself.

But if he could just believe in himself — fully — in all areas of his life, then truly, he could do anything he wanted to. Others see that in him too, not just his “biased” fiancee (as he calls her), who, by the way, sees his amazing capabilities despite the fact that she also sees his worst qualities as well. No, he’s not perfect. But fortunately being awesome doesn’t mean being perfect. The great thing about being human is that you get to be imperfectly awesome. Which he is…in so many ways.

He needs to get out of his own way and turn up the brightness on that awesome switch of his and not allow fear to hold him back. There are so many awesome things that are just waiting for him. If he can just figure out how to make fear his bitch, then look out world…there will be no holding him back.

What I Learned Spending Two Days in a Car With My Man

It was an epic weekend for CBG and I, meeting up with our bloggy friends Jobo and T. Good times were had. It was one of those weekends that for me, is going to take a while for it all to sink in before I will be able to properly write about it.

For me, one of the best parts about the weekend was spending two days road-tripping in the car with CBG. That was one of the things I was most looking forward to about the experience beforehand, and it did not disappoint. After spending two days in the car with him, there were a few things that I learned about the two of us. And honestly, these aren’t things that I learned for the first time this weekend, but rather was reminded of.

  • We can have fun anywhere, doing anything. It was obvious from the very beginning of our relationship that we are able to have fun doing just about anything, but there’s nothing like spending over 24 hours total in a car to together to really bring that even more to the surface.
  • He can make me laugh more than any other person that I have ever met. Sure I’m a fun-loving gal who laughs easily at many things, but CBG literally had me laughing (more than once) so hard that I could.not.breathe. I had at least one of those, sides-aching-can’t-breathe-tears-streaming-down-my-face laughing fits.
  • We are awesome vacationers together. We are so similar in so many ways, and how we like to vacation together is just another one of them. Despite the number of hours we spent in the car together there was never a tiff or even a tense moment. It was just good times and laughs the entire way.
  • We never run out of conversation topics. There was almost never a lull in the conversation the entire two days. And the few times there was, it was always a warm, comfortable lull that lasted only for a few moments. I’m starting to believe that we really could talk forever.
  • We have the exact same sense of humour. In addition to making me laugh like crazy, I was also reminded of how similar our humour is. We were both making the same types of grossly inappropriate jokes and laughing at how funny we are. For the entire two days of travel.
  • We really are perfect for one another. Two days in a car showed me, yet again, that the two of us are absolutely made for one another. Once again I’m walking away from this experience loving my man even more now than I did just a few short days ago.

It seems like with every new experience CBG and I share, we get closer and closer to one another, and learn more and more. And with each passing day, each shared experience, every moment together, our love just continues to grow and I am reminded once again how perfect we are for one another.

I Believe in Love

This weekend marks an anniversary of sorts for CBG and I. It’s the anniversary of us getting back together. For those of you may not have been here reading my blog from the start, there is the little twist to our love story. CBG and I got together in early December of 2008. We dated for about three months or so.

And then we broke up.

The reasons for this were complicated; I was too fresh out of my marriage and did not have my act together. CBG allowed fear to rule his own decision-making processes. The simplified version of the story is that together, these two things led to the quick demise of our relationship.

This break up happened despite us still having strong feelings for one another. We both tried moving on with our lives, but we just couldn’t seem to fully let go. And then, three months after breaking up, we began communicating again, and made an impulsive decision to spend a weekend together — no promises, no commitment… just two people spending time together to see how it felt again and what would happen.

And now, three years later, here we are on the cusp of another life-changing time together. I’ve been thinking a lot about our “reunion weekend” three years ago, the weekend that turned out to be a total game-changer for the two of us, helping us re-define our relationship for the better.

What follows is the blog post that I wrote after that fateful weekend together three years ago.

* * * * *

I couldn’t even wait for him to get inside. I saw his car pull in behind my building and I ran out to meet him, breathless, trembling.

It had been almost three months since we’d last seen each other. Three months and an ocean of tears. Three months of lonely nights. Three months of trying to forget about him. Three months of continuing to read his blog posts every single day even after I promised myself that I wouldn’t. Three months of online dating, trying to find someone who would take my mind off a man that I still loved, even though I didn’t want (and tried not) to.

There were more to those three months, though. They were three months of growth and healing. Three months of learning to stand on my own two feet. Three months of learning that I can take care of myself. Three months of learning that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Three months of learning that I could find happiness all on my own.

Things went wrong the first time…on both our parts. There were lessons that needed to be learned – apart. My only wish was that we could have done it without hurting each other so much first.

But all that is behind us now. I felt it the second that he dropped everything that he was carrying to scoop me up in his arms and hug me like a man who was back from the brink of death. All thoughts of “we’ll just wait and see how things go” immediately went out the window. I was in his arms…he was in mine…and that was all that mattered.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. None of us do, really. I can be okay with that…because what we have right here, right now, is enough. I know what love is…and I am intensely grateful for it. Because in the past three days I have felt more love and joy than some people ever get to experience in their lives.

I believe in love because I have seen it in his eyes, tasted it on his lips, felt it in his touch, heard it in his voice.

And even if I never get to feel exactly this way ever again, it will still be enough.

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