Seeing Lack

It’s been a frustrating few days for me.

Full confession: I just wrote a way-too-wordy blog post whining about why the end of the week last week (i.e. Thursday and Friday, the two days I took off work to spend with my daughters on March Break) really kind of sucked.

And then, mid-whine, I deleted it all.

There are days when it does you some good to complain a bit about things, and then there are days when that complaining is really just wallowing in self-pity. And I was definitely in self-pity territory.

Thank you, delete button.

Instead of whining about all the reasons why the last four days of my life kind of sucked for no particular reason I’ll sum it up in a single statement.

Lately, instead of focusing on all of the many good aspects of my wonderful life, I’ve only been seeing where it lacks.

And it makes me angry. It makes me angry that I’ve apparently got blinders on when it comes to the good stuff and can only think about the less-than-perfect aspects of my life. It makes me angry that I am basically ungrateful for this life that I have. A life full of love, laughter, good health, friendship and family. A life that I’m building with the perfect man for me, the absolute love of my life.

I am ungrateful because I have been allowing myself to dwell on the ways that my life isn’t pefect. Which basically makes me an asshole. This life that I worked so hard to build. That CBG has worked so hard to build. The life that we continue to fight and sacrifice for.

I see moments that I want so much to be perfect that I squeeze the joy out of because I’m either trying too hard, or too scared to really try at all. Not even big moments, either. Days like last week with my daughters. I wanted so much for it to be the perfect two days together that they ended up being total flops. Or like this past weekend when CBG and I wanted to take a Sunday road trip that basically ended up being “meh” — all because of me and my inability to focus on the goodness that was right in front of me.

When it comes to goodness and joy in one’s life, here is something that I know: You can’t force it. Instead of just enjoying some rare time off with my girls, I was fixated on this time being “perfect”. How could I be anything but disappointed?

The truth is that while I’m looking around and seeing lack in everything around me, the real lack that I notice, that I feel more than anything, is in me.

empty

2 Responses

  1. My sweet sweet Canadian sister. Big love for you. You know I know.

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