Those Inevitable Doubts

Of course it was going to happen. It was only a matter of time before the doubts started creeping in.

I’ve been doing my best to sweep them away these past few weeks, but then they reached a level that I could no longer ignore. I woke up on Sunday morning feeling the weight of my own fear.

My first thought, before I’d barely even opened my eyes was, “What in the HELL was I thinking?”

And it only went on from there. I laid there in bed, a million thoughts racing through my mind.

I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.

I can’t do this.

I was a fool for ever considering it.

I’m going to screw this up.

There’s no point in even trying.

I rolled over. CBG was awake too. I snuggled up close against him, my mind continuing to race.

I’m a complete fraud.

I can’t do this. 

I can’t do this. 

I can’t do this. 

“Aren’t you going for a run this morning?” CBG asked me.

I couldn’t even meet his eyes. I shook my head. He looked closely at me, knowing that there was more going on than I was saying. But in true CBG style, he didn’t push. He knows that I need to work through these fears on my own.

* * * * *

I’ve been planning for months now to run a full marathon in October. Last year I did the half, but this year I’ve had the full 42.2 km in my sights for months now. I’ve been running — a lot — getting up some days as early as 4:30 in order to make it out the door at 5:00 am to get in a decent run before work. There have been some weekend runs in there as well — long, epic adventures spanning hours and hours.

I know that I can complete a marathon. But in the back of my mind I worry that I won’t be able to finish in the time that I want. It’s one thing to run almost an entire marathon when no one’s watching; it’s quite another to do it in front of an audience with a timing chip on my shoe. All summer long I’ve been talking a good game, but now that the time is closing in on me, the doubts are piling up.

Sunday night while we were cleaning up the kitchen together, CBG gave me a pep talk like only he can. He told me how proud he is of me, and no matter what I decide concerning this marathon next month, he’s behind me 100%. That’s one of the many, many things that I love about him — his ability to encourage without pressuring. I know that he will love and respect me no matter what; that he’ll always be my cheerleader whether I’m running a marathon or if I never run another step again. He just wants me to be happy in whatever it is I do.

I woke up on Monday morning at 4:30, fifteen minutes before the alarm, ready to head out on the streets. Most of the city was still sleeping under the blanket of darkness. My breathing was steady, even. My body felt great. My spirit absolutely soared. Not ten minutes into the run I knew that it was going to be a good one.

And I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that no matter if I run this marathon next month or not, I am a runner. This is not defined by a racing bib or an official time. This is defined by the fact that I get up, I get my butt out there and run.

THAT is what I need to remember.

5 Responses

  1. CBG is so good to just let you work through this on your own, smart smart man. And you will work through this, I know it. Inevitable fears, but mostly just that…fears, not reality. As for the marathon? I have every bit of faith in the world that you can do this, keep that faith too ok? Harness it! XO

  2. GO girl! And yes, run for the sake of feeling good. I think you could run a marathon daily, honestly. Timing chip or not.

  3. [...] haven’t registered for, btw) that is coming up in 18 days. I’ve been thinking about how a part of me is seriously toying with the idea of backing out. Not because I can’t do it — because I know that I can — but because I worry that I [...]

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