For weeks now pretty much the biggest thing on my mind has been CBG’s move here. It’s a Big Deal, after all, and was not a decision that was made lightly. It’s a Big Deal no matter how you slice it; even bigger when you stop to consider all of the factors involved. I think a lot about the fact that he’s giving up so much in order to be here with me. Yes, I know, there is ultimately much more to be gained by us sharing our lives together, but still. This decision doesn’t come without a lot of sacrifice on his part. I am acutely aware of this fact at every turn.
And it’s those sacrifices that have been weighing heavily on me.
I suppose it all boils down to those nagging doubts that I carry around with me; overstuffed baggage with the straining zippers. Doubts about our relationship making the transition from long-distance, every-other-weekend to full-time. Doubts about being able to work out the inevitable kinks that all relationships go through when they enter a new stage like this one. I mean, after all, CBG and I have a good thing going on….truly the best and healthiest relationship I’ve ever experienced in my life. Also, the only long distance relationship I’ve ever had. I worry that there’s a connection there.
The biggest fears, of course, are about me. Specifically, am I good enough?
I’m feeling a lot of fear right now. Fear that I’m not enough. That I’m not good enough. Fear that I’m not worth it. Fear that one day, CBG will wake up and resent me for bringing him to this point in his life. That he will look at me and realize that I really wasn’t worth it after all. That he will resent those many important sacrifices. Despite the fact that he is an adult and that he came to this decision on his own, when he felt ready, I still feel responsible for it. How can it be that I’M worth someone uprooting their entire life for?
I know that these fears are natural and expected, given the weight and the importance of this decision. I just need to put this out there, since I know that exposing fears like these to the light are what make them disappear. It’s when we cram them down inside that they fester in the darkness, becoming bigger and scarier until they explode out everywhere. I need to get a grip on these doubts of mine, of these diminished feelings of self-worth. Because if I start thinking that maybe I’m not worth it, it’s not much of stretch for me to believe it. And if I believe it, then I’m going to act like I’m not worth it, either. And if I’m thinking, believing, and acting like it, then guess what? I’ve become a woman who really isn’t worth it.
So much to think about, my head is swimming with all of this, threatening the happiness, excitement and joy that I’m also feeling.
I need to get a grip.