Good Enough

For weeks now pretty much the biggest thing on my mind has been CBG’s move here. It’s a Big Deal, after all, and was not a decision that was made lightly. It’s a Big Deal no matter how you slice it; even bigger when you stop to consider all of the factors involved. I think a lot about the fact that he’s giving up so much in order to be here with me. Yes, I know, there is ultimately much more to be gained by us sharing our lives together, but still. This decision doesn’t come without a lot of sacrifice on his part. I am acutely aware of this fact at every turn.

And it’s those sacrifices that have been weighing heavily on me.

I suppose it all boils down to those nagging doubts that I carry around with me; overstuffed baggage with the straining zippers. Doubts about our relationship making the transition from long-distance, every-other-weekend to full-time. Doubts about being able to work out the inevitable kinks that all relationships go through when they enter a new stage like this one. I mean, after all, CBG and I have a good thing going on….truly the best and healthiest relationship I’ve ever experienced in my life. Also, the only long distance relationship I’ve ever had. I worry that there’s a connection there.

The biggest fears, of course, are about me. Specifically, am I good enough?

I’m feeling a lot of fear right now. Fear that I’m not enough. That I’m not good enough. Fear that I’m not worth it. Fear that one day, CBG will wake up and resent me for bringing him to this point in his life. That he will look at me and realize that I really wasn’t worth it after all. That he will resent those many important sacrifices. Despite the fact that he is an adult and that he came to this decision on his own, when he felt ready, I still feel responsible for it. How can it be that I’M worth someone uprooting their entire life for?

I know that these fears are natural and expected, given the weight and the importance of this decision. I just need to put this out there, since I know that exposing fears like these to the light are what make them disappear. It’s when we cram them down inside that they fester in the darkness, becoming bigger and scarier until they explode out everywhere. I need to get a grip on these doubts of mine, of these diminished feelings of self-worth. Because if I start thinking that maybe I’m not worth it, it’s not much of stretch for me to believe it. And if I believe it, then I’m going to act like I’m not worth it, either. And if I’m thinking, believing, and acting like it, then guess what? I’ve become a woman who really isn’t worth it.

So much to think about, my head is swimming with all of this, threatening the happiness, excitement and joy that I’m also feeling.

I need to get a grip.

6 Responses

  1. I can’t even begin to tell you how “worth it” and how “good enough” you truly are.

    Here’s the thing…I came up with this plan. You never asked me, I did it on my own. I spoke with my ex and I spoke with my son…and they both not only gave their blessing but encouraged the move.

    With today’s technology, there is no way Ankle Biter and I *WON’T* see each other just as much as we do now…it just won’t always be in person. The other thing is that I’m only 2 1/2 hours away, so I can totally drop by for recitals and concerts and family events and the occasional basketball game (he wants to join this year). I have vowed to ensure the two of us remain close and I truly feel that this can work, otherwise I would have never come up with the idea.

    The other thing (that I’m sure I’ve mentioned before) is that other than my son, there are NO TIES here. I don’t go out with friends during the week, I’m with you one weekend, and Ankle Biter the other. Other than my job (which I’m totally fine with moving on from), there’s no other reason for me to remain in this city.

    I’m moving, but I’m not “giving up so much”. I’m changing the parameters of the relationship with my son…which is big (I don’t want to downplay our relationship), but it’s 100% workable.

    I’m miserable here. I’m miserable without you. I’m miserable living in a house that doesn’t feel like a “home”.

    You’re worth it, to be sure…but it’s not all about you (sounds bad, doesn’t it?).

    Baby…WE’RE worth it. WE are the reason I’m moving there. WE are the reason my life is changing. WE are the reason I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my (nearly) 40 years on this planet.

    I completely understand your worry about me eventually resenting you if things somehow go wrong, but it wasn’t you that brought me there. It was US…and that is reason enough to make this decision without any regrets or second thoughts.

    I can’t wait to see what our future holds as a blended family.

    xox

  2. OMG just reading CBGs response to this makes me want to cry. I love love love this devotion and commitment, together, you are BOTH worth the investments you are making in each other’s lives and in your children’s lives. It is ALL worth it. So Sunshine, to answer your question and fear YES, you are worth it. Keep reminding yourself until you believe it!

  3. Kudos to you both. I think it’s great. No more fears, embrace it, just go with it. Promise? xoxo

  4. Oh my goodness, CBG just made me cry too. I hear you on all of these worries and fears. And that last paragraph… well, it’s exactly something I would say too.

    I’m PROUD of you for being honest with yourself and exposing those fears to the light of day. Fear doesn’t have to win if you recognize it and can see that it’s nothing. I also recognize your awareness of it will help during the transition… when you react or feel a certain way. You will know that it’s fear trying to grab hold of the reigns.

    You two are beautiful. Allow the beauty to win.

    Love you both.

  5. […] and I was able to let my mind wander free to mull things over. I found myself thinking a lot about my recent blog post where I wondered about being ‘good enough’, which I’d written the night […]

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