Since deciding that I was “All In”, I have had a lot of thoughts, memories, and emotions crop up for me. I realized that I have many things that I need to let go of – plans, hopes and dreams, goals…things that just aren’t going to happen for me, based on the path my life is currently on. Those plans, goals, hopes and dreams are relics of my old life, a life that isn’t mine anymore.
These are things that I’ve still be hanging onto, in the back of my mind. Like dreams of owning a house. With a big backyard where the girls could play and I could garden. I’ve always fancied growing vegetables and having gorgeous flowers from spring to fall that I could cut and bring into my sunny kitchen and enjoy all day long. And dreams of a partner who loved to garden almost as much as me, or least willingly helped out on the weekends when I found myself feeling “inspired”. In this dream, early-morning weekend breakfasts are enjoyed on the back deck, overlooking the garden, sitting happy and content with my man, making plans for garden improvements. Summer nights are spent sitting by candlelight in the garden, enjoying a glass of wine together, enjoying the quiet.
I also know that I also need to let go of camping hopes. CBG isn’t an outdoor guy at all, whereas I could spent from May-October outside all day, every day. My ex and I loved going camping together – sitting by the fire, swimming in the lake, going on hikes…he still makes an effort to take the girls once every summer (even if it’s just for the weekend) and I always envy them that time. I know that I could take the girls on my own, but it’s not something that I feel equipped to do. And that summer cottage in the woods by a lake? Yeah…that’s another one that needs to be let go of as well.
I used to dream of having a job that mattered. Last summer I was there, working on a 6-month contract position for a not-for-profit organization that was dear to my heart. Unfortunately, jobs like that don’t usually pay a whole lot. My current job is certainly better in that department, and while I’m not working for Satan, I know that in the grand scheme of things, my job doesn’t improve the state of the world or make a difference in people’s lives. But at this point I know that I need to choose to pay the bills rather than feed my soul when it comes to my job.
I always thought I wanted a partner who cared about the same things that I do – nutrition, physical fitness, spirituality, the environment, attachment parenting. CBG doesn’t really care about any of these things. At all. And while he and I have many things that we do agree on, they’re not the things that I always thought would be important to me in my relationship. Those above mentioned items are still extremely important to me; a part of who I am. But it’s not something that I am able to share with my man. And I need to let go of the dream that CBG will one day change and suddenly develop an interest in them. It’s just not who he is.
So right now I’m in the process of letting go of all of these things. Things that have been with me for a very long time, that are a part of who I am. And yet, even as I grieve I realize that these things were future plans, and never really mine to begin with. I am grieving the loss of something that never really existed except in my own mind.
Once the grieving process is over, and I’m able to come to peace with this loss, I need to come up with a New Plan. New hopes, goals and dreams. A new vision for myself, my girls and my life, based on the choices I am currently making and the path that I’m on. Right now this seems like a huge task…since without these old hopes and dreams, I’m not even certain who I am.
It’s going to take me a while to get there.