Facing Fear

I’d love to say that after Friday’s post, I spent the rest of the day feeling GREAT about my upcoming vacation with CBG and our four kids. I’d love to say it, but it wouldn’t be the truth.

In fact, at some point early afternoon on Friday I found myself in full-fledged panic attack mode about spending the week with our blended family. I felt negative and unprepared. I fantasized about calling the whole thing off and spending the week with just me and the girls, happily wrapped up in each other.

On the advice of a bloggy friend I reached out CBG to talk to him about how I was feeling. Of course, he was crazy busy at work at didn’t have time to respond the way I needed him to. It didn’t go well. I then reached out to two other friends; a Twitter pal I’ve known for a while now, as well as my bestie that I’ve known since I was 19. Between those two, and my bloggy friend, advice ranged from “talk to him” to “all families have their challenges” to “medicate yourself if necessary”. If nothing else, the people I know definitely offer me different perspectives, that’s for sure.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and evening trying to remain calm and not let the fear get the better of me. CBG arrived a lot later than usual on Friday night (delayed because of work) and by the time he arrived, I was feeling almost “resigned” to the fact that our vacation was going to be challenging, difficult, and likely awful.

We didn’t slow down to really talk about things until Saturday afternoon. I did my best to articulate my thought process to CBG when I start going down the road of negativity on the way to panic attack city. It felt good to get it off my chest. I’m hoping that, going forward, he’s going to be able to better understand where I’m coming from. That’s the hope anyhow. It’s strange to find myself looking at this man that I sometimes feel so in tune with, and realize that we’re not on the same page at all. Strange and scary.

This relationship thing is hard. It continues to be hard, even two and a half years in. In fact, in some ways, as we get beyond the “butterflies and rainbows” phase of the relationship into the tough stuff, the nitty-gritty, the making it work when we become bombarded with challenges means that it’s tougher than ever.

I’m continuing to learn throughout the process. Some days, it seems never ending. I guess that just means that I have a lot to learn.

3 Responses

  1. ((hugs)) I am proud of you for facing the fear, for talking to CBG and for just accepting the situation for what it is…less than ideal (sometimes) but (almost always) totally worth it. Hope you are having a good vaca. XO

  2. THIS is how the rubber meets the road, as they say. This is when all of those “butterflies and rainbows” still show up occasionally to remind you that all of the hard work is worth it. This is when the solid foundation is tested.

    You got this. Just keep on talking about things and allowing each other to be who you are.

    ((hugs))

  3. Hmm … as I’ve been keeping up with the CaNook’s blog, as well as you two on FB and knowing this was written yesterday … are things better now??

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