Our weekend together was what I’d hoped it would be. It was full of laughter, love and relaxation. Lots of sleeping, strangely enough. I think we were both feeling pretty mentally and emotionally exhausted from the two weeks before. I know I was. And there’s something so nice about being able to curl up on CBG’s chest and let all of my worries and cares just melt away, drifting off to sleep.
And yet, it wasn’t perfect. A small incident on Sunday, that basically boiled down to us having different expectations of the afternoon. It was exactly an argument, but emotions got triggered and we spent at least half an hour feeling upset with one another. I know that these things happen with all couples, and I shouldn’t let it alarm me too much. And yet, it bothers me. I think it has less to do with the actual incident than with the emotions it triggered in me: my old pal, resentment.
Yet when I look back on what happened, I realize that I own a good deal of it. I didn’t clearly communicate my needs. I didn’t try to come up with a solution that was workable for both of us. Instead, I swallowed what I was feeling and pretended like it was fine, when really, it wasn’t. I have difficulty expressing my true feelings sometimes. It would seem that all that training I received as a kid to “be nice so people will like me” is still firmly ingrained. Or perhaps it’s my martyr tendencies coming out in me again…allowing myself to believe that I’m the victim here, when it’s my own action (or inaction) that leads to getting hurt. After all, blaming someone else is a whole lot easier than taking responsibility for myself, now isn’t it?
It’s tough to know how to deal with resentment, how to let it out and let it go. Because, by it’s very nature, resentment is something that is held close, coddled and allowed to burn, slowly, never quite going out. It scares me. Because resentment was a major player when it came to the end of my marriage. The difference here is that a) I’m aware of it and b) It’s not at nearly the same levels as it was in my marriage. And yet I know that if I don’t find an appropriate way to handle it, it will only lead to bad things in terms of CBG and I. And that’s the absolute last thing that I want.
Having said all of this…I have no regrets from the weekend. I am glad that CBG and I got to spend the time together. It was a much needed break from all this introspection that I needed. But now? Now it’s back to to business.
Filed under: CBG, figuring stuff out, Getting it off my chest, living and learning, screwed-up-ness, The "L" Word Tagged: | canadian bald guy, codependence, life, long distance relationship, love, relationships, singlemom