This past Saturday night I found myself in an interesting conversation with CBG.
I’d been feeling fearful and insecure since the Thursday before. I came to him several times over the course of a few days for reassurance. I was being needy and allowing fear to take over. I continued to doubt the decision to take a break. I worried that I was somehow weakening our relationship in the process of strengthening myself.
After he reassured me (several times, I might add) I found myself making some important realizations.
The most important one was that I still feel a lot of fear about our relationship. Fear of losing him. Fear that I’m not really deserving of something as wonderful as what we’ve got. Fear that I’m really not very lovable after all.
And this is at the heart of my ‘giving until it hurts’ pattern. I give and give and give because deep down, I don’t believe that I’m good enough just as I am. How could someone possibly love me for me? They couldn’t. They can only love me for what I do for them. And so, that’s what I do – give them reasons to love me. More and more reasons until I’m completely worn out and empty and exhausted. Because I look to others to give me the love and acceptance that I’m not always that great at giving to myself.
The fear and uncertainty and insecurity that I’ve been experiencing in the last few days has come with the relinquishing of that tendency to give. Since I’m not actively giving anything to CBG right now, part of me worries that he’s not going to love me anymore. And yes, I know how silly that sounds, but it’s still what my irrational, insecure side is saying.
On Saturday night I found myself telling CBG these words: “I love you so much it scares me.” So much fear there – still – even after two and a half years together. Fear that I’ve chosen to squash down inside me and ignore, that now has come bubbling to the surface that I need to face. If I don’t face it and deal with it, this fear will continue to get in the way of having the strong, loving, beautiful, long-lasting relationship that I know we’re capable of.
I know that I have to feel the fear and push through it. I have to acknowledge it, give it space to run it’s course, and work hard on having trust and faith in what CBG and I have. Thankfully after talking to him some more about my fears he took the time to reassure me. I’m not going to keep asking for that reassurance, though. I’m going to work very hard on that whole faith and trust thing.
And most of all, I’m going to work on loving myself . Because no one else can do that for me. No matter what I do for other people, no matter how much other people reassure me and love me, all that can’t take the place of me taking care of myself and loving and accepting me. This I know in my heart to be true. Now I just have to work on making that my go-to, gut reaction to life. If I can do that, then I’ll definitely have the world by the balls.
Filed under: CBG, fear, figuring stuff out, living and learning, screwed-up-ness, The "L" Word Tagged: | canadian bald guy, codependence, fear, happiness, insecurity, long distance relationship, love, relationships, singlemom