A Dose of Reality

There are a lot of differences between a real, legitimate victim and a ‘poor me’ victim.

A real victim has been legitimately hurt by someone else without their permission.

A ‘poor me’ victim has, whether it’s consciously or subconsciously, participated in the ‘abuse’.

A real victim doesn’t want what has happened to them.

A ‘poor me’ victim, on some level, needs drama in their life.

A real victim takes responsibility for their own actions.

A ‘poor me’ victim is so busy pointing the finger and laying blame that they are unable to see their own part in what has happened.

When you’re a real victim it really is about the other person.

When you’re a ‘poor me’ victim you need to pony up and see that you’ve had a hand in creating your own misery, too.

Clinging to the belief that you are a victim is the easy road. We’ve all done it before, haven’t we? Slipped into the “poor me” line of thinking. Feeling bitter and angry toward the people that have hurt us. It’s an easy route to go, because it removes any bit of responsibility that we ourselves might have. And let’s face it, as adults, we need to accept responsibility for our choices and for the situations that we find ourselves in.

Painting yourself as a victim is lazy. It allows you to escape taking a good, long, hard look at yourself, see where you are going wrong in your life and actually do something about it. Being a victim means that it’s always the other person’s fault. Well honey, there comes a time when you have to face facts and see reality for what it is. As an adult, you own the choices that you make. You are responsible for the relationships that you find yourself in.

It’s not about everyone else – it’s about you.

11 Responses

  1. Hell yeah.

    And thanks for the reminder that it’s ok for me to have feelings of disagreement. You’re right. I need to allow myself that much.

    Oh and I would also agree that the “poor me” victims also think it’s everyone else’s responsibility to “make” them happy!

    Have a wonderful weekend with your man! Love ya’ll!

  2. Poor me victims re-live some misfortune, either by verbally venting, moping, or payback.

    Real victims are coined a victim by other people, though the “victim” may never believe they are. To them, it just may be LIFE!

    Any kind of victimization can lead to hardship in someone’s life. The responsibilty to get out of the pit, is in fact the life-livers!

    There are no mistakes in life – stuff gets dropped on us for a reason. Karma, Fate, Education…but all of us have the ability to draw on resources and find whatever we need within us to climb out of the pit!

    Golden Rule, Baby. Golden Rule!
    :)

  3. As the “victim” of a sociopath, I’d have to disagree – to a point. Yes, I let her into my life because I didn’t have the skills to recognize the red flags and set appropriate boundaries back then. Now I do but for the last eight years I’ve had to deal with the consequences EVERY DAY (and so have my children) as the price of being friends with this person for only ONE year of my life.

    Until you yourself have an experience with a sociopath, you shouldn’t judge. It’s the gift that keeps on giving so it’s not an experience one has to “get over”, it’s one you have to learn to live with when the sociopath has close ties to you and isn’t going anywhere.

    I share my expereiences with this on my blog sometimes but I am not alone by any means.

    http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/07/31/changing-the-presumption-is-a-child-really-better-off-interacting-with-both-parents/

    http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/

    Read up on it. Sociopaths are predators and very intelligent. ANYONE can be a victim and more people should be aware of it.

    • Mindy — I actually have very real experience with a sociopath. Someone who affected my life for a decade, and, in an indirect way, still has influence in my life. I am fortunate in that this person has no direct involvement with me any more, but their effects will be felt for a long time to come. So there is absolutely no judgment coming from me on this topic.

      My post isn’t about people who have been legitimately taken advantage of by other people. My post is about those people who choose to see themselves as victims instead of doing something about their life and their circumstances. It’s about those people who blame every bad thing in their life on other people when it isn’t the case. There’s a huge difference there.

      • Thanks for clarifying. I just wanted to point that out because, as I’m sure you must know from your own experience with a sociopath, people tend to think the continued affects of that involvement are somehow self-inflicted or within your control to prevent. It’s frustrating to have to deal with it and also to have so few people understand it and even assign blame on you when you express that frustration. Which I agree, is entirely different than the “poor me” person.

  4. I like this and I know a few people that need to read it!

  5. AMEN! I love this post!!! :)

  6. Hells to the yeah! Well said momma!

  7. My ex is a chronic victim. He hasn’t paid child support in 5 months because friend of the court hasn’t taken it out of his check. I wrote him an email yesterday to point out that he did, in fact, have the power to take the money out of his own check and make a payment. It is always somebody else’s fault, and he continually needs the women in his life to take care of things for him. Bleh.

  8. I’m a true victim who spent about a year in the “victim role” situation you describe.

    It’s only been recently, with the help of a man who loves me and wants the best for me, that I’ve been able to accept the fact that while I am a real victim in the sense that my X stalked me, and eventually tried to shoot me. I can choose not to FEEL like a victim.

    So no more tears for him. No more feeling sorry for myself because I’m a single mom without the financial assistance I need. No more laying in bed awake at night worrying about what he’s going to do when he gets out of prison in March. No more hiding, no more putting my life on hold.

    We don’t always have control over what happens to us, but we ALWAYS have control over how we choose to move forward after that and how we react.

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